Playing With Fire
by thejigsawtimess
Summary: When Naboo is kidnapped by a Fire Demon, the board of Shaman are bound by a treaty with the fire planet and cannot rescue him. Dennis decides he will have to recruit some people to do the job for him. With all their experience in the mystical and strange, Vince and Howard are the perfect candidates, Dennis decides. And last time he saw them on that rooftop they were so in love...
1. Prologue

Prologue:

The air was merciless and cold as it whipped Naboo's cloak around his ankles. He was shrouded in darkness, a single streetlamp leaking weakly onto the ground nearby. It was raining mildly – the sort of rain that almost doesn't count – sputtering uselessly down and coating Naboo in tiny, shining droplets.

_Curly fabric elfin-boots really aren't the most practical footwear, _Naboo thought to himself grimly, looking down at his sodden shoes. _Where the hell is this guy?_

A crackling sound caused Naboo's head to jerk up suddenly, his turban being knocked slightly askew in the process. He peered into the murky blackness of the alleyway he waited beside, but could see nothing. Naboo straightened his turban.

_Crackle, hiss, crackle._

This time the sound was unmistakeable and definitely emanating from the pitch black alleyway next to him. Naboo stared into the oblivion, willing his supposedly shamanic-vision to adjust. _There is something… is that something? A faint glow, like a lit match. _

It could just be his mind playing tricks on him – but that would be so _human_. Surely that kind of nonsensical reaction of mortal fear wouldn't happen to a Shaman. If it was something, it would most likely have something to do with the reason he was standing there at this godforsaken hour.

_If only Bollo was here, _Naboo thought wistfully, _when he has a bad feeling, you know what to do. _Naboo cast one last look around and ducked into the alleyway, keeping his gaze fixed on the dim, flickering light ahead of him. As he approached, the light got gradually brighter and large enough that he could vaguely make out a few features behind it. A curved, hook-like nose was the most distinctive object he could see, followed closely by two perfectly straight and unnervingly scarlet eyes.

"Nnnnnnabooo." The figure's voice snaked through the flame, eerily quiet and raspy.

"Alright?" Naboo asked uneasily. The Shaman noted with unease how the light rain seemed to have no effect on the flames before him.

"Yoooou. You haaave done muchhh wronggg to usssssssss."

"What? No I ain't! What did I do?"

"I sssssummoned you heeeere. Yoooou ssssold me-"

"Could we speed this up a bit? I'm supposed to be DJ-ing with my familiar at ten."

A sudden burst of flames ignited the air in front of Naboo, causing him to reel back at the scorching heat.

"Dooo yooou DARRRE INTTTERRUPTTT MEEE?"

Naboo peered above the arm he was using to shield his face and held back a whimper at the sight he beheld. An eight foot tall fire demon loomed over him, his face a dripping mass of melted wax sculpted into an abhorrent scream. Flames of blue, orange, red and yellow engulfed his entire form, licking the air in rapidly curling tendrils and sending off sparks.

"Sorry mate, I-"

A burst of sparks leaping furiously into the air silenced the cowering Shaman before he could finish his apology.

"Yyyoou sssold ussss fffaultyyyy goodssss Nnnnabooo. Yoooou mussssttt ppppaayy."

"No! I never! I do refunds! You must've just got a bad batch! I'll take it home and-"

"ENOUGHHHH. Yoooouuu arrrree notttt going hoooome. Evvverrr again."

Naboo stumbled backwards, blinded by the brilliant bright light. The demon leapt forward like lightning and Naboo was encircled in the technicolour flames. He whirled around, desperately searching for an exit but the flames reared up in every direction. Suddenly, everything started to spin, the fire swirling around him in a flourish, gradually speeding up until Naboo could see nothing but the blinding, orangey light around him. The last thing he saw before he shielded his eyes were two piercing red lights boring into him from the midst of the flames.

Then, in a blink, the fire towered to its peak over the Shaman and was gone. The alley was deserted once more, the street light the only faint illumination from back out on the pavement.


	2. Skittles and Shamans

**A/N: Hi all! Firstly, thanks for reviewing the prologue - I love you all. I had an idea about Vince and Howard meeting up with Dennis again and having to 'keep up the pretence' as it were and I've wanted to write it ever since. Well, today's the day! My chapters are long, yes. But they tide you over well. Hope you all like it, reviewers are angels. **

"So this is what you've been doing all day is it?"

Vince jumped at the sudden voice from behind him and slowly turned his head to face the source. His Bambi-eyed gaze was met by the two bullet-hole eyes of Howard Moon, hands on his hips, his moustache-covered lips set in a grim line.

"I… I err…"

Howard shook his head and took a step towards Vince, who was now attempting to burrow into the ironically art-deco sofa cushions.

At about noon, Vince had thrown back his sequinned covers and risen to face the day. After making a cup of tea (with only five sugars – he was on a diet) he'd settled down on the sofa to watch Colobos the Crab for a few minutes before getting dressed and going downstairs to Howard in the shop.

But when he switched on the TV and saw that Bonnie and Clyde was on, followed by The Wizard of Oz, followed by _back to back Colobos the Crab reruns_, he jumped up from his seat, ran to the kitchen, flinging open the cupboards in a frenzy and grabbing all the necessary supplies he'd need for a day of intense lazing about. By the time he returned, his arms filled with packets of jelly snakes, skittles, malt loaf (_he was on a diet_), the kettle and a few teabags, Bonnie was attempting to snog the life out of Clyde (who wasn't having any of it) and Vince had forgotten all of his adult responsibilities. _This film hits a bit too close to home, _he had thought absently, stuffing his mouth with skittles.

But now… _busted._ Vince glanced up at the clock, his mind taking a moment to catch up with the fact it was a backwards clock, jokingly bought by Naboo who got endless amusement out of confusing his guests' 'simple mortal minds'. _5:30 already? Shit. _

Howard was looming over him now, his powerful Northern body engulfing Vince in shadow like a hunted animal. Vince sucked up the jelly snake dangling from his lips and gulped it down whole. Howard took a deep breath and Vince saw the blood rush to his cheeks - now he was for it.

Brrrrrrrrrrriiiing!

_The phone! Oh sweet, sweet mercy! _Vince jumped over the arm of the sofa grasshopper style and started towards the trilling. He turned to face Howard, who was now looking at him murderously.

"Won't be a moment! I'll just get that." Vince turned and quickly marched down the hall. "Now who could that be?" He muttered as he walked, his red onesie the only thing preventing him from running.

Once safely in the empty hallway leading to Naboo's bedroom, Vince let out a breath of relief. He glanced behind him, but Howard had clearly chosen to save his ranting for another time. _Lucky me, _Vince thought darkly, _maybe he'll cool off a bit if he's got some time to mellow out. _Vince picked up the phone on the brightly patterned wall opposite and held it to his ear.

"Alright?" he asked, running his tongue over his now furry teeth.

"Ah, yes, hello there young mortal." A deep, authoritative voice poured out into Vince's ear.

"What'd you call me?" Vince cried, reflexively reverting to a thick cockney-accent to make him seem intimidating.

"I do not have the time, nor the patience for pleasantries dweller of… um," there was a quiet murmuring but Vince could scarcely hear the other voices. "Dalston."

"Yeah… If this is a prank call, it's a really weird one. Look up fonejacker, mate. He'll show you how it's done. Bye!"

"Wait! I command you-"

Vince hung up the phone and, whistling, strolled back into the living area. He glanced over at the TV screen and sighed as he saw Colobos doing a front flip out of the ocean. _Howard would kill me if he caught me lazing about again._ Vince walked over and glumly switched the screen off. He turned to survey the mess he'd created that day and cringed slightly as he took in the dozens of empty sweet wrappers and crumbs littered about.

_This is gonna take forever!_ Vince thought angrily. _Well, better get to work._

Twenty minutes later, Vince was stuffing the last packet into the overflowing bin. He stood up, his back cricking as he straightened, and wiped the sweat from his brow. He turned to go and have a lie down and came face-to-face with Howard.

"Christy! What's the matter with you lately? Sneakin' up on people all the time, you're gonna give me a heart attack!"

"I need a word, Vince."

"Can we have a cuppa first? I'm well tired after all that cleanin'."

Howard's stern expression softened and he looked away from Vince's face for a second, suddenly uncertain.

"Yeah, that… thanks for cleaning up, Vince. I thought you would have made me do that." Vince grinned and turned towards the kettle. "But that's not the point!"

_Oh, here we go, _thought Vince, rolling his eyes.

"There wouldn't have _been _a mess to clear up if you hadn't been slobbing about all day watching crap telly in your pyjamas!"

"Hey! How dare you, it was Bonnie and Clyde! You love that one too!" Vince shot back, suddenly defensive. Howard could insult him, it's not like he wasn't used to it, but not his favourite film.

"Yeah, well… We have it on DVD Vince! We could have watched it some other time, when it wasn't _working hours._" Howard was gesturing a lot with his arms and that usually meant his argument was floundering, in Vince's experience. There was something else going on here. "You can't just abandon your responsibilities because the hours don't suit you! I'm fed up of covering for you all the time – I open up shop at 8 o' clock sharp every morning, and I'm lucky if you get there before 2pm most days! We're a team Vince!"

"I know, Howard. I'm sorry! I am, I just… got distracted."

"Oh, right. Yeah I forgot, Vince Noir gets distracted by practically anything. Just dangle something _shiny-_"

"I never! You're just upset cos I didn't ask you to come and watch Bonnie and Clyde with me!"

Vince looked confused as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Where had they come from? Who had made him speak such an absurd thought? Howard was upset because Vince wasn't pulling his weight around the shop. Not because he wanted to be upstairs snuggled on the couch with his best friend watching their favourite film… right? Vince glanced up at Howard who was looking equally confused at his sudden outburst. Maybe the painfully awkward Northerner just wanted to spend more time with him? Was Vince being a twat to his oldest and best(est) friend? Again?

Sometimes half of Vince's brain would take a minute to catch up with the rest of it. Vince opened his mouth to say something to Howard – anything at all – but as quickly as it had all happened (whatever _it _was), Howard turned away from Vince and walked into their bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him.

Vince puffed some air up in the direction of his fringe. _I need that cup of tea now, _he thought.

* * *

The next day, Vince woke up much earlier than usual, (Howard's bed was empty and perfectly made, as usual) but stayed under the covers for a while, staring at the starry ceiling (he'd painted it himself) and replaying his and Howard's mini-argument over and over in his mind. The trouble was, this argument was different to every other one they'd ever had. Usually, their fights were legendary spectacles, starting from a tired bickering over laundry to a full-scale screaming contest, often with sword-fights, sometimes with ping-pong, (occasionally with magic potions stolen from Naboo) that had the neighbours pounding on the walls and Naboo charging in, threatening to kick them out on their arses if they didn't shut up.

After one of those fights, the protocol was textbook. Vince knew it off by heart, as did Howard. Whoever had managed to get the last word before the fight was broken up (usually Vince) would wait a few hours and then creep into the kitchen to make a cup of tea for himself and his ex-competitor (just the way they liked it). Then, slowly, as if approaching a growling tiger, they would place the tea down near to the other man and sit quietly on the opposite end of the sofa, with no complaints about whatever was on the telly.

On the rare occasions when Howard was the one 'apologising' in this strange ritual they had, Vince would try as hard as he could to keep up his grudge, but would inevitably break after a few minutes of the tea being placed and scoot over to Howard, curling up against him and gripping his jumper tightly. This was one of the few times Howard would have no objections to this affectionate cuddling and he would wrap his arm around Vince, who would – inevitably – fall asleep.

But now… was Howard even angry with him? Vince couldn't be sure. He hadn't looked that angry. He'd just looked sort of confused, and a little hurt. _Well, either way, I can't stay in here forever. _Vince sighed and threw the covers off, deciding he definitely needed to get dressed today, and this was no simple task in itself. He padded over to his large golden (painted) wardrobe and flung the doors wide. The closet was absolutely bursting with colourful garments of every fabric and design you could think of, each with its own multipurpose accessory specifically designed to enhance it.

_Absolutely nothing to wear. I need to go shopping._

Several outfits and a good hour of make-up application later, Vince was ready to face the day. He opened the door to the bedroom cautiously, peering through a small crack at the familiar surroundings before entering. The large room looked deserted and Vince guessed that Howard would be down in the shop already. It doesn't hurt to check though.

"Howard?" Vince called out, his voice barely above a murmur. "Hooowwarrrd?"

No answer. _Phew, _Vince thought, pulling the door all the way open, _another few precious minutes of avoiding the situation. _He walked out and into the kitchen, telling himself that rubber purple catsuits were the height of fashion at the moment and in a few hours he'd barely notice the chafing. He went about preparing his tea as usual, squeaking as he moved. When he crossed to the fridge to get the soya milk (diet) a fluttering scrap of bright green paper taped to the fridge door caught his eye.

**Vince,**

**Gone out for a while. **

**Back later. About 5 probably.**

_What about the shop?! _Thought Vince, confused.

**If you're wondering about the shop…**

**It's Saturday, Vince. **

**I used this green paper from your art supplies **

**because I thought it'd catch your eye, hope you don't mind. **

**I'll get you more.**

**Just didn't want you to err… worry.**

_Howard's literally the only person in the world who puts 'err' in a note._

**See you later.**

**P.S Have you seen Naboo and Bollo? **

Vince frowned at the note and reread it several times. There were many things wrong with this. Firstly, Howard never left notes. But then again, he'd never needed to before, really. Since when did he go 'out for a bit'? Secondly, why would Howard worry about Vince being annoyed he'd taken a piece of _paper _from his stuff? He took Howard's stuff all the time! He was always nicking glue-sticks and biros from Stationary Village. Of course Vince didn't mind. Thirdly, and this was probably the most worrying thing of all – he _hadn't _seen Naboo or Bollo. Not for several days actually, now that he thought about it. Fourthly, no kisses? Howard always puts kisses.

_What kind of a flatmate am I? Not noticing two of my closest friends are missing?! _Thought Vince frantically. He was just about to go and check Naboo's room for any clues when the doorbell rang.

"Who the hell's that?" Vince mumbled to himself crossly, jogging down the stairs to the front door. Taking a moment to smooth down his fringe, Vince unlatched the chain and opened the door widely. A large, completely bald Shaman stood upon his doorstep, shrouded in a mass of black feathers, his white eyes peering down at Vince's shocked expression with determination.

"D-Dennis!" Vince exclaimed, suddenly paralysed with fear – after all the last time they'd met, the head Shaman hadn't been too happy to see him. "I mean, Mr Head Shaman, Sir."

"Hello there, young Vincent. I see your puny human mind has not failed to remember my impressive person."

Dennis' voice was booming and seemed to echo around Vince, as if persuading him to listen.

"Err… yeah. Come in! Naboo's not-"

"Silence." Vince shut up, if a little indignantly as Dennis strode through the doorway and proceeded up the stairs.

Once Vince had closed the door and caught up, Dennis appeared to be surveying the large living area with a look of distaste. Well, Vince had decorated this flat himself and he was damned if he'd let some tiny headed freak-job turn his nose up at it.

"Look, can I help you with somethin'?" Dennis whirled around, his feathery cape flying, to fix Vince with a piercing look once more. "I mean, err… can I get you a cuppa tea?"

Dennis' look was suddenly withering.

"Tea?! I suppose a chalice of Unicorn Urine would be too much to ask of you?" Vince only managed a horrified nod. "Pathetic."

"Well… so… what can I do for you?" Vince asked, gritting his teeth and gesturing to the sofa, inviting the Head Shaman to take a seat.

"I tried to reach you on the phone but... I think we were _cut off." _Dennis stared at Vince accusingly. Vince looked away sheepishly. "A matter of unimaginable horror and great importance has arisen in the Shaman world, Vincent." Dennis boomed, striding towards Vince casually, ignoring his gesture.

"Oh… Right, cool. It's Vince actually." Vince gazed up at Dennis, who was now looming over him, almost uncomfortably close, and gave him his most charismatic grin.

"Vincent, I regret to tell you I have some… rather unfortunate news to give you." Dennis strolled away again, his hands clasped behind his back and his head held high.

Vince's stomach dropped, and the grin slipped right off his face. _Oh god, Howard…_

"It's about Naboo." Dennis continued. Vince felt his heartbeat regulate slightly, but the cold sweat born out of fear for his friend still trickled down his neck. "He's been kidnapped by a fire demon."

Dennis stopped walking and turned to look Vince straight in the eye, judging his reaction to this news.

"_What?!_" Vince cried, his voice an octave higher than usual. "What do you mean?! Kidnapped?! Who's rescuing him? Why aren't you _doing something?_!"

Dennis was by his side in a flash, placing a large paw-like hand on Vince's shoulder. This unnerved Vince so much that he stopped talking immediately and looked up fearfully at the Shaman. Dennis' expression was one of disgust at first, but upon seeing Vince cease his hysterics, he gave a bright smile.

"Ah! What do you know, Saboo was right! When in distress, humans crave physical contact." Vince looked stunned. Dennis moved away and said more quietly, "Though personally I liked Tony's suggestion of throwing the human into the pit of despair…"

"Excuse me?!" Vince said loudly, causing Dennis to turn and face him once more. "What. Are you doing. To help. Naboo?"

Dennis grinned again. "Ah! Well, that's where you come in young mortal! You see, many centuries ago, the Board of Shaman made a… _marginally _unwilling treaty with the Fire Planet." Vince stared at the large man in shock, _was this really the time for a history lesson? _"The Fire Planet are a troublesome lot and to prevent risk of being attacked, we decided to make a deal with them wherein we would provide them with… medicinal substances-"

"So, weed then?" Asked Vince, his arms now folded and his eyebrows raised in disbelief.

"Not just that! Naboo may have traded some… less _legal _substances, you know how he is, but mostly we exchanged potions, herbal aids, that kind of thing." Vince nodded sceptically, smirking to himself. "However, something went wrong recently, the Fire Planet became inexplicably _furious _with us, telling us we had abused the treaty in some way. I set about questioning all of my Shamen who had traded with the Fire Demons but I didn't get to Naboo in time. It seems he was the one who upset the Fire Planet, I know not how, so they must have kidnapped him."

"How do you know they haven't killed him?!"

"When a Shaman dies, other Shamen can feel his absence, like a lost limb. It's a profoundly complex connection we share, I wouldn't expect you to understand-"

"Ohhh, like when someone spilled somethin' on the Chelsea boots I donated to charity last month. I can feel it when people ruin my clothes. Ask Howard, he saw, I was weeping and wearing a black glove in memoriam for days-"

"Yes. Well. Quite. Anyway, while Naboo is undoubtedly being held captive on the Fire Planet, no Shaman can rescue him while we are bound by the treaty."

"_What?!_" Vince felt his voice getting higher again. "Who the hell cares about some stupid _treaty?_ I think kidnapping might violate the terms of that anyway, just do it! Naboo could _die!_"

Vince was not usually a stand-offish person, but as soon as he let the words he had just spoken sink in, he stepped forwards towards Dennis. He spread his feet apart, put his hands on his hips and gave the Head Shaman his most intimidating glare. Unfortunately, Dennis seemed nonplussed.

"It's not just an ordinary _human _treaty, of course." Dennis sighed and rolled his eyes. "A Shaman treaty cannot be broken. If you attempt it, you will surely die. Loopholes, of course… there are always loopholes." Dennis gazed at Vince meaningfully before breaking the eye contact. "Naboo was the best at that." He added bitterly.

"So… what do we do, then?! We can't do _nothin'!_"

"Of course. That is why I have selected you to do me the honour of completing the rescue mission."

Vince stumbled back and promptly tripped over a corner of the rug, landing on the floor.

"M-ME?!" He spluttered.

"That is correct. That is to say, you and your umm… partner? Lover? Boyfriend? Which is your preferred term?"

Vince was in a daze, he blinked a few times, trying to comprehend the question being asked of him whilst so much other information was swirling around his brain.

"Wa...?"

"No matter. Call yourselves what you wish. I should, however, properly inform him too. Is he here?"

Vince stared at Dennis, dumbfounded. _What the hell is he talking about?_

"Who?" Vince asked stupidly.

Dennis furrowed his brow and glanced down at the palm of his hand, where two names were scrawled in black ink.

"Howard Moon."

A few seconds of silence passed and then Vince dissolved into laughter, lying back on the floor and letting out a stream of hearty chuckles at the very notion, the very _idea _that-

"I fail to see what is amusing, young mortal and I find myself growing weary of your presence." Vince sat up, suddenly insulted – he was Vince Noir for Christy's sake! Nobody got _tired _of him! "Unless..." Dennis looked away into the distance for a split second before fixing Vince with a deadly glare.

"Unless you were _lying _to me up on that rooftop Vincent Noir." The Head Shaman's voice was low and filled with venom. Vince felt his blood run cold and it all suddenly flooded back to him, Howard's birthday, the rooftop, the love declaration, the kiss…

"No! What! No! Course I weren't lyin'! Howard's the love of my life!" Vince jumped up frantically, remembering other things about that night – the threat of a beheading, Eastern Princesses that were actually married, very large, very pointy swords…

Dennis looked unconvinced and Vince saw that his fingers were resting lightly on the hilt of his sword. Vince gave him a nervous smile.

"Because Vincent, if I found out you _were _lying…" Dennis drew out his scimitar and ran his fingers lightly over the blade, "that would mean you could have been lying about other things too." He moved towards Vince, backing him up into against the wall. With slow precision, he lifted the sword up to Vince's bare neck and pressed until Vince could feel the cool metal against his skin. "Things like _standing in the cupboard with an extreme sports calendar model._"

"Haha! No, no mate I told you! We were just standin' in a cupboard together, honest! I'm in love with Howard! He's my best mate, he's my _soulmate, _we're in love!" Vince was surprising himself at how easily the words he needed to save his life were coming to him. "You saw us kiss, right? And, like, everyone says we're married, I mean we practically are! Well – he hasn't popped the question yet but… well…"

Dennis scrutinised Vince's pleading expression a moment longer.

"Very well." He said, releasing a suddenly very floppy Vince from his grasp. Slotting the sword back into its sheath he said, "Inform him of the task. I will send a carpet to collect you tomorrow morning. 9 o' clock."

"_9 o' clock?!_" Vince complained without thinking, still clutching his neck.

Dennis turned and looked at him, as if daring him to continue that complaint.

"Sounds perfect. We're usually up by 6 anyway. Howard's an early bird." Vince said quickly, grinning to cover up his anguish.

"Until tomorrow, mortal." With that, Dennis turned on his heel and strode purposefully down the stairs, leaving Vince to deal with everything that had just happened. A sudden thought struck him and he chased after the Head Shaman quickly.

"Wait!" Dennis turned wearily, holding the front door open and looked up at Vince who was standing at the top of the stairs.

"What is it?"

"What about Bollo?!" Vince asked, praying it wouldn't be bad news.

"Ah! The familiar! He's quite safe, I assure you but with Naboo so far away... I'm afraid he's somewhat reverted to a more... natural state of being. I bid you farewell." Dennis swept out of the door before Vince had the chance to inquire further.

Vince turned back to the empty room and ran his hands through his silken black locks.

Letting out a huge sigh, he slumped against the wall he'd been held against moments earlier. _Oh Christy, _he thought, _Howard ain't gonna like this._


	3. Playing Pretend

**A/N: Hi :) Here's chapter 2 then as you can see. Thank you just, so, so much for reading and reviewing it really spurs me on. I'm glad everyone's enjoying it so far! In this chapter, the pretence begins! **

Howard trudged up the stairs with a more despondent air than usual. Even his slow, weary footfalls sounded melancholy today. After what seemed like an age, he reached the top and stepped into the living area. Shrugging off his coat, Howard took a half-hearted glance around to see if Vince was nearby, slobbing about again, and promptly froze, his coat halfway down his arms. His mouth fell open and the coat dropped to the floor. Howard found he barely even noticed the pang of need he always felt to hang it up on the rack where it belonged. _The apartment had been… tidied. _

Howard stepped forward cautiously, immediately suspecting foul play. His head whipped from side to side in a comical fashion, trying to absorb the meticulous organisation of the various shelves and surfaces that held a multitude of random objects. Whoever had set about this task was a braver man than he; God knows Howard had thought about tackling this room himself but could never muster up the strength. The tall Northerner sidestepped over to the bar in the corner of the room shaped amusingly like the prow of a boat. The bottles displayed on top were lined up in height order and appeared to be cross-referenced by colour and country of origin. Howard ran a finger along the bar-top and held it up to his narrow gaze for inspection. Squeaky clean.

"Oh! You're back!"

Howard whirled around at the sudden voice, his hands raised karate-style, as if ready to chop any enemies into submission. Vince stood across the room in a ridiculously tight purple catsuit that, if Howard wasn't mistaken, appeared to be made of rubber. Vince raised his eyebrows at Howard's peculiar reaction.

"Vince! What's going on?" Howard lowered his hands but his eyes were still darting about like ping pong balls.

"Dunno what you're on about!" Vince laughed, but it came out at a higher pitch than usual and ended too abruptly. Howard's frantic gaze suddenly fixed on Vince, his eyes narrowing to slits as he tried to work out what he'd done. Vince looked uncomfortable at the sudden scrutiny and bent to pick up Howard's abandoned coat. _That does it, _Howard thought, _Vince would fake a heart attack before cleaning up out of his own free will._

Howard strode over to the smaller man and plucked the coat from his fingers. Drinking in Vince's suddenly alarmed expression, Howard said, as calmly as possible, "Vince, you're going to go and sit down on the sofa, and then you are going to tell me what the hell is going on."

Vince chewed his lip for a moment, as if thinking of a better option, but eventually nodded and went to sit on the sofa. Howard hung up the coat and went to join him. Once they were both sat, Howard raised his eyebrows in encouragement.

"I… cleaned up for you. For a surprise!" Vince tried, cursing himself for being so transparent in front of Howard. Howard looked exasperated.

"Vince, I don't even need to say this, you _never _clean. You expect me to believe you did all this…"

"I did! I know you think I'm a lazy ponce who don't have half a brain cell – even though you've _seen _my brain cell – but this took me all fuckin' day! You can't just belittle-"

"Alright!" Howard held up his hands in a surrender and Vince went quiet, staring down at his hands. Howard had to admit, his usually manicured nails looked a bit more grubby today. "Well, even so… you can't just expect me to believe you did…" Howard looked around him again, shaking his head in disbelief, "all this, just cause you felt like it!"

Vince looked the other way, screwing up his face a bit, the way he did when he was trying to avoid saying something. After a moment's patience, Vince suddenly slapped his hands on his knees and turned back to Howard.

"Naboo's been kidnapped." Howard stared. He hadn't been expecting that. He'd almost let himself believe that all this was some kind of weird apology for the almost-fight they'd had last night.

"What?!" Howard exclaimed.

"Yeah. By a Fire Demon." Vince continued, looking remarkably nonplussed from Howard's perspective, considering the weight of the news he was delivering.

"_What?!_"

"We've gotta rescue 'im cause the Board of Shaman are bound by some treaty or somethin'."

"Holy hell!" Howard cried, jumping up from his seat and staring down at Vince, who had reverted his gaze back to his fingers. "What are you-"

"And we've gotta pretend…" Vince trailed off, seemingly unable to spit the words out. He chewed his fingernail distractedly as Howard flapped about, panicking as usual.

"We've got to pretend _what, _Vince?! This is no time to be keeping things to yourself!"

Vince watched his lanky, Northern friend pace about wildly, muttering things only he could understand. _How is this ever going to work_, Vince thought. He stood up and walked over to his friend, grabbing him by the upper arms and looking meaningfully into his eyes, attempting to calm him.

"Howard, everything's gonna be alright. We do this stuff all the frickin' time! I bet that's why they chose us, cos we're renowned adventurers." Vince willed Howard to believe it. At least he'd stopped flapping. "We'll go to the Board of Shaman tomorrow, at 9 o' clock," Vince made sure to specify the time – Howard craved structure, "they'll tell us where Naboo is, and we'll go get him! Simple, we'll be back before bedtime."

Vince knew Howard wouldn't be fooled by the childishly idealistic plan, but a plan of any kind would surely calm his strange order-obsessed best friend. The obsession with structure and pattern was what had given Vince the idea to clean up in the first place. He'd misguidedly hoped it would calm Howard, not put him on edge.

"There's just… one tiny, tiny thing Howard." Vince continued uncertainly. Howard was significantly less frenzied now, but he still fixed Vince with a wary gaze. Vince just gulped his reservations down, knowing if he didn't tell Howard now, all hell would break loose later. "It's just that if we don't do it… the Head Shaman _might _just chop our heads off." Vince felt Howard tense under his grip. He tried rubbing his hands soothingly up and down, to soften the blow. "You and me… we have to pretend to be a couple."

* * *

Vince patted Howard's leg awkwardly. The older man was now stretched out on the sofa, his long legs jutting over the edge, a cold flannel resting on his forehead.

_Jeez, I know it's a bit much to deal with, but fainting? Seriously? I mean, it was practically a swoon!_

Vince had managed to catch Howard as best he could before he fell to the floor completely, although it took a lot of huffing and puffing to manoeuvre him over to the sofa – Vince was skinnier and weaker than his best friend.

Howard's eyes fluttered and Vince knelt up from his position on the floor next to him, concerned.

"Alright? How're you feeling?" Vince asked, giving a timid smile.

Howard looked incredulous.

"How do you think I'm feeling, Vince? I've just fainted, I'm about to risk my life on a death-defying mission to rescue a grumpy Shaman who seemingly hates my guts, and worst of all, I've got to pretend to be your… your…"

"Oi! Worst of all? I'll 'ave you know I'm an _excellent _boyfriend!" Vince retorted defensively, folding his arms over his chest.

Howard looked even more incredulous and after a moment, sat up, the flannel slipping onto his lap.

"Do you have any idea how crazy you sound? You're not my boyfriend!"

"Yeah, well for the next… however long this takes, I am! So suck it up, Moon. I know this is gonna be a big sacrifice for you, but you're just gonna have to play along." Vince stood up, feeling a sudden surge of anger sweep through him at Howard's obvious disgust. He stalked towards the bedroom, deciding he'd had enough of this for one night, calling over his shoulder, "Unless you fancy a nice beheadin'!"

Howard just stared after Vince's retreating form. He hadn't meant to offend Vince… but then why would he even get offended?

_I guess Vince Noir has got to prove he's the best boyfriend in the whole damn world even when he's just pretending. Typical._

* * *

"Vince. Vince, get up. It's 8 o' clock." Vince's eyelids peeled open reluctantly and he blearily made out the shadowy shape of Howard, leaning over him.

"Howard?" Vince said sleepily. _I know this dream_, Vince thought warmly, stretching out his arms. The dream-Howard didn't react as he normally did however, and instead of leaning into Vince's embrace, he stood motionless, as if confused about what to do. _Blimey, my dreams are getting realistic. I've got Howard's character down to a T. _Smiling encouragingly, Vince leaned forward a little and clasped Howard's arm, pulling him down into the hug. Howard was unresisting – of course he was, he was part of Vince's imagination.

Nothing beat these dreams. Howard felt so very warm and soft in his hands, his broad shoulders providing a perfectly smooth cotton-covered surface for Vince to stroke lovingly, closing his eyes once more. Vince let out a breathy sigh of contentment and buried his face in Howard's neck, smelling the familiar spicy cinnamon and relishing the tickle of Howard's curls against his cheek. With that feeling of pure serenity consuming him, just like always in these dreams, he pressed a feather-light kiss against Howard's nape. A few minutes passed, where nothing but their quiet breaths made a sound.

"Erm… Vince?"

Vince frowned; Howard didn't usually talk a lot in these dreams.

"Yeah?" Vince replied, his voice thick with sleep.

"When… when do you think you'll be… getting up?" Howard's voice was muffled against the pillow and Vince's morning-hair. He still hadn't moved an inch. Vince opened his eyes again and looked at Howard. He suddenly appeared much more… present. _Oh. My. God._

Vince unclasped his hands as if releasing a wild animal. He sat up quickly, knocking Howard aside in the process and running his hands feverishly through his hair. _That didn't happen._

"S-sorry! I… I was… practicing! Yeah." Howard straightened up again, looking slightly embarrassed himself. Vince avoided his eyes like the plague. "Y'know, we've gotta pretend we're all lovey-dovey an' that. Just getting warmed up!" Heat rose in Howard's cheeks. "I mean! Getting _prepared _for well… I'll get up now."

Vince scrambled out of bed, tripping on the way out of the door in his hurry. Vince practically _ran _into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him. He screwed his eyes shut for a moment before walking over to the sink and turning on the faucet.

_What am I DOING?! That was not okay. I can't let this situation burst a hole in the weird messed up dam of things-I-think-about-Howard-sometimes-that-are-not-okay._

He splashed some water on his face, willing his brain to wake up, and stared into the mirror. _This is gonna be a riot._

* * *

The pair waited outside the Nabootique on the pavement, Howard's rucksack securely fastened to his back with the necessary straps and Vince's glittery silver suitcase providing the man himself with a wonderful throne to await his ride. Howard had been checking his watch every minute for the past half hour. Vince tried not to be amused by this predictability, but couldn't help smirking at his friend. Everything was a pattern with him. At precisely 9:34am, Howard caught Vince sniggering. Whirling round to face the younger man, he fixed him with an outraged glare.

"It's late, Vince! This is no laughing matter. Are you _sure _the Head Shaman said 9 o' clock?"

"Yeah, I am actually. Look, calm your tits, you know what that lot are like! Bunch of druggy party animals! They're probably just running late." Vince shook his head at Howard's worried expression and pulled out his phone to text Leroy.

"I don't know why you're so calm about this, either! Naboo's been kidnapped for Christy's sake!"

Vince sighed and pocketed the phone again.

"Yeah, I know! I'm worried about him– don't look at me like that, of course I'm fuckin' worried, he's one of my best friends! But s'not like we can do anythin' more than what we are right at this precise second is it? So what's the point in getting' all agitated? Christy!"

Howard turned away from him. He hated to admit it, but Vince was right. Stressing out got you nowhere in life, he'd learned that from being around Vince so much. Vince was made of sunshine – he saw the best in the worst of situations and because of it, he always got the better end of the deal. The trouble was, Howard had been a natural worrier all his life, ever since infancy, when he would get himself worked into a state fretting about where the sun went at night and thinking about what would happen if one day it decided not to come back.

When Howard turned back to Vince again, he was texting. His angular face held the ghost of a smile at whatever crazy things Leroy was up to today and his fingers danced delicately over the buttons of his tiny, bedazzled phone. _Maybe it won't be so hard… this pretending lark, _Howard mused as he watched.

His thoughts were interrupted however by two loud, bickering voices coming from somewhere above them.

"If you'd just let me drive-"

"How exactly would I do that, Tony? You don't even have feet! How would you reach the pedals?"

"Pedals? What are you on about, Saboo, we're on a fucking _carpet_!"

Howard saw it then, a rectangular shape floating about in the sky high above them. It seemed to be descending gradually, but in no particular direction, instead resembling a piece of paper floating back and forth towards the ground.

"Vince, get up! They're here."

"Alright, cool your boots!" Vince stood up and tucked the phone away into an invisible seam in his skin tight red skinny jeans.

Eventually, the carpet rested to a stop in front of the boys, whose expressions were confused and a little scared upon hearing the arguing. Aboard the carpet were two Shamen, one in a rather large black hat that looked more suitable for an old lady attending a wedding, or possibly Zorro. The other appeared to be a bright pink, many-tentacled octopus-like creature that was mainly a clefted head.

Vince had never been one to discriminate.

"Alright?" He said brightly to the two magical men, clambering aboard the carpet with surprising ease.

"Awww, well if it isn't the happy couple." The pink one said in an odd, breathy voice. "Can't say I was surprised to hear of your new relationship status, Naboo never shuts up about how you two are all over each other."

"Boy, don't I know it. You can't get a word in edgeways when Naboo's had a few." The other Shaman piped up. "'Oh, you ought to see it Saboo! It's sickening! I come in after a hard day's work to find them cuddling on the sofa! I don't need to see that!'" Added Saboo, mimicking Naboo's lisp surprisingly well.

"Well, err.. yes." Howard said, a little sheepishly, still standing beside the carpet.

"Well? What are you waiting for, son?" The tentacled creature asked impatiently. "An introduction? I'm Tony. Harrison. This ballbag over 'ere is Saboo."

"Oh, come on. Really Tony? Out of the two of us, who looks more like a ballbag?"

Howard decided this was his cue to climb aboard and, with some difficulty, he scrambled up onto the hovering carpet. The two Shamen were still engrossed in their petty argument when Vince nudged Howard on the arm. Howard turned obediently and saw that Vince was giving him a _look._ What did it mean? What was the little man attempting to convey wordlessly? Before he could figure it out, Vince scooted over to Howard and wound the older man's arm around his shoulders.

_Ah. Couple. We're a couple. Got to do the… cuddling and stuff. _Howard glanced down at Vince, who looked surprisingly underwhelmed by everything. _Well at least he's not freaking out. It's not like we've never done this before I guess, just not in public, no sir! It's actually not as bad as I thought it would be. Could almost get used to him fitting there…_

"Alright, lovers. You all set?" Saboo turned to look at them, holding back a grimace at the sight of them cuddled up against one another.

"Yep." Howard squeaked.

"Ready!" Vince exclaimed, sounding excited all of a sudden.

"Right, then." Saboo said, turning back. With a click of his heel against the carpet, they were off, shooting diagonally skywards at a much faster speed than Howard had previously anticipated.

"Woooohoooooo!" Vince cried, breaking free of Howard's embrace, but keeping a hand placed securely on his thigh. Vince's other arm was flung out to one side as he peered over the edge at the tiny ant-city below. "Wow, this is _genius!_"

Howard often marvelled at Vince's ability to find so much joy in the simplest things. He knew Vince had ridden on a magic carpet before – they both had – the last time being when Naboo had rescued them from planet Zooberon. This didn't seem to stop Vince from squeezing out every drop of enjoyment from the experience – even now he had decided to lie on his back, staring up at the clouds above, a wild grin to match his sparkling blue eyes. Howard noted that the hand on his thigh was straying into the realm of very distracting.

"Howard! C'mere!" Before he could react, Howard was yanked down to Vince's level, sprawled out on his back in a similar fashion. He had been feeling a bit queasy before, but he had to admit, from this position, the journey was exhilarating, like being on a flume ride at a water park.

Howard was grinning too before long, and Vince rolled on to his side so he could see Howard's joyous were still climbing upwards through the air, clearly not having reached the optimum flying height yet, and consequently the boys could hear nothing over the sound of rushing wind except their own laughter. Howard looked up at Vince's open, smiling face – he was actually crying with laughter – and thought about how lucky he was that he got to share these mad experiences with such a beautiful, hilarious, innocent creature.

Vince couldn't look away from Howard as he laughed. It was so rare that this defensive, anxious, stereotypically _English _man allowed his emotions to play on his face so freely. Vince thanked Jagger, Bowie and everyone else he could think of, that he was the one who got to see him this way.

"Oh, Saboo you slag! Look what you've done!" Tony Harrison's grating voice ripped through the air, just as the carpet levelled out in the midst of a calm blue sky.

"What? What's wrong now? You're not feeling sick again, surely! I'm sure as hell not holding you over the side while you vom this time Tony-"

"No, you pencilcase! Look, we're way off course!"

"What?! Tony! You have one job! You are the map reader! If we're off course, it's certainly not my-"

"Ohhh, not this again, come off it Saboo! I was pointing in the direction we needed to go-"

"Oh, right! And I'm supposed to instinctively know which of your tentacles is your index finger? You were pointing in eight different directions Tony!"

Vince looked down at Howard, and saw with a wave of disappointment that his beautiful smile had been replaced with wide-eyed anxiety once more. Vince sat up. This was going to be a long trip.

* * *

Over four hours later, the four passengers dismounted the carpet in the clearing of a heavily wooded area, looking somewhat more dishevelled than one might expect.

"You are the _worst _pilot I have ever had the misfortune to-"

Saboo, apparently as sick of Tony's voice as the other two passengers, aimed a deft kick at the pink alien by his feet and sent him flying into the trees.

"This is an outraaaaaaaaaaaage!" They heard him call as he sped further into the distance.

With a barely hidden smirk, Saboo swept past the two boys beside him and went to take his place at a long table seating at least six Shamen that neither of the boys had noticed until that point.

"Saboo, was that really necessary?" Asked Dennis wearily from his place at the centre of the table, rubbing his shiny head.

"Sir, with all due respect, he's been a fucking nightmare. I believe I was perfectly justified in my actions. I even have witnesses." Saboo replied easily, gesturing vaguely towards Howard and Vince, who were stood side by side, a little shell-shocked by the sudden appearance of so many Shamans.

"Ah, yes. My new favourite couple." Dennis said carefully, looking directly at the two men. His gaze was narrow and critical. Vince quickly grabbed hold of Howard's hand. Howard jumped and looked down at their now entwined fingers, gulping down the 'Don't touch me' that threatened to burst forth from his lips. "How were they on the trip here, Saboo?"

"Sickeningly romantic, actually." Saboo said, pulling a face. "At one point during the ascent, I turned to ensure nobody was throwing up on the shag pile, and found them lying down, just gazing into each other's eyes. _I _almost threw up at that point."

Dennis' scrupulous gaze softened a bit at Saboo's words. Howard tried not to look completely mortified. He didn't succeed in his attempt not to turn as red as Vince's skinnies however. Vince nodded enthusiastically, confirming the statement and gazed up at Howard, a surprisingly convincing look of love on his face.

"Very well. We shall see if you can keep up the act then, shan't we?" Dennis said, smirking a little. "Naboo is being held prisoner on the Fire Planet. You will journey there tomorrow, alone, via teleportation and attempt to find a way into the Fire Palace. You will likely have attackers and you will undoubtedly be staying for at least one night, so we shall provide you with any tools, weapons and provisions you may need."

"Hold on, hold on!" Howard interrupted, attempting to hold up a hand to silence the Shaman but finding he was connected to Vince, and instead managing to yank the younger man forward a few steps.

"Sorry." He said to Vince, who smiled and rolled his eyes. "Attackers?! You mean… Fire Demons or whatever? That was not in the job description, sir! How would we even kill one of those?"

Dennis looked at Howard like he was something on the bottom of his shoe.

"I wonder, mortal. What could _possibly _be the antidote for _fire?_"

"Marshmallows?" Asked Vince hopefully.

"Water, you idiots!" cried Saboo, apparently unable to suffer such insolence in silence.

"We shall provide you with water guns, water balloons and a fire hose. Water is their deadliest enemy." Dennis finished, clearly thinking he sounded impressive.

"Right. Sooo… we just have to splash a bit of water on them and they melt like the Wicked Witch of the West?" Vince asked incredulously, The Wizard of Oz still fresh in his mind.

"Do not mock us puny human, do you not think we would have vanquished them long ago if this were the case?" Dennis asked angrily, banging his mighty fist on the table.

"_Yeah, well it did cross my mind…" _Vince said under his breath, causing Howard to smile.

"These demons are large, fearful and difficult to put out. It takes more than a bottle of Evian to kill these beasts."

Howard looked at Vince, concern flashing across his features. Vince gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Alright then. What are we waitin' for?" Vince asked.

"Ah, yes. Just one more thing," Dennis said, staring pointedly at Howard and Vince's clasped hands, "I want you to know that just because I won't be with you on the Fire Planet, doesn't mean you can _drop the pretence_." Dennis said this last bit through gritted teeth, making both Vince and Howard gulp audibly.

"It ain't a pretence! We-"

"Silence!" Dennis cried, reaching underneath the table and drawing out a crystal ball of impressive size, placing it carefully before him. "I can see _everything._"

As if to prove his point, Dennis waved his hand over the sphere and Vince and Howard appeared in the centre, standing side by side in a clearing in the woods, each gripping the others' hand tightly, a look of fear on both their faces.


	4. Sun, Sand and Sleeping Bags

**A/N: Sorry! I know I'm posting this a few hours later than normal but this was a long one (despite my promise to myself to keep these chapters under 4,000 words - hah!) plus I'm pretty sure I've caught flu which is fun! Anyway, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou as always for reviewing and can I just say to PeppermintNightmare (love the name btw) thanks for the heads up about the holster thing! I'll go change it now, I don't really know what I'm talking about with swords :L and omg, 'everything changed when the fire nation attacked' is the new tagline guys. It's settled. **

**Okay, well, have some funny moments and sexual tension! Woo! Kisses.**

"Oh, quit the I'm-an-almighty-Shaman act Denbo, they're doing us a favour here!" Saboo cried, snatching up the crystal ball and putting it in front of a small, blonde boy with a dreamy expression, the name 'Kirk' on his nameplate.

Saboo stood up and made his way over to the two men in front of the table. "Come on. You need to get going pretty soon or Naboo might be a bit more crispy than you're used to." Wordlessly, Vince and Howard followed Saboo as he marched towards a clump of trees nearby.

"I feel I should come too." Dennis spoke up from behind them. "Who knows when my wise words will be needed?"

When Vince glanced up at Saboo he appeared to be having difficulty not rolling his eyes. The four of them strode into the heavily wooded area to the right of the clearing, Vince and Howard trailing behind, their hands still clasped as if they were children on a school trip. Vince hardly dared to look at Howard, despite their intimately intertwined fingers. He could feel the other man start to sweat and his hand become clammy – he was getting nervous. After a few minutes of silent trudging a sound broke through Vince's reverie.

"Aw, fuckin'ell! Saboo you slaaaag!"

"Oh, good. Look who miraculously survived being booted into the beyond." Saboo had stopped in his tracks and was looking disgustedly at a spot obscured to Vince by a large, feathery Head Shaman. He fidgeted about, trying to see what everyone was looking at.

Suddenly he felt Howard's hand grip around his tighter, almost painfully and he looked up to see what was wrong. Howard was staring straight ahead, his height allowing him to see what Vince could not.

"Vince…" Howard breathed in a low voice, looking alarmed.

Vince, having had quite enough of this discrimination just because he was short, pushed past the three others, tearing his hand away from Howard's intense hold. Pushing to the front, he saw what everyone was staring at.

"Bollo!" Vince cried, delighted and moved to rush forwards into his arms. Before he could move more than a step, Dennis slammed a huge hand down on Vince's shoulder and held him in place.

Bollo was seated on the ground a few feet away, facing diagonally away from them, holding an unpeeled banana in his left hand which he occasionally attempted to chew on. Tony Harrison was securely placed in Bollo's large, furry lap, looking somewhat frightened at being in such close proximity with an animal at least ten times his size.

"Wha's wrong?" Vince asked, annoyed. "It's Bollo!"

Saboo shot Dennis a look and Dennis nodded.

"Vince, without Naboo, Bollo is no longer a familiar. He has reverted back to his normal state of being, which is… an ape. A large, dangerous wild animal." Saboo inclined his head towards Bollo, who had now picked up Tony Harrison by the head and was waving him to and fro, like a baby's rattle.

"Oi, put me down! You can't just manhandle me! I'm an esteemed member of the Board of Shaman!" Tony was exclaiming in a shrill, irritated tone of voice. Saboo was grinning now.

Vince looked at Saboo, then Dennis and finally Howard, who was still looking amazed by the entire situation.

"Are you all _idiots_? How do you think we found Bollo in the first place?! Just cause he don't talk English no more don't mean he's suddenly stupid!"

With that, Vince wrenched himself away from Dennis's firm hand and marched over to the large gorilla. Bollo looked up as Vince approached and started making a cacophony of sounds.

"Yeah, alright Bollo?" Vince asked cheerily, patting his hairy shoulder and crouching down to face-level.

Bollo made an unusual hooting noise and Vince laughed loudly, nodding as though he agreed wholeheartedly with the statement. Dennis and Saboo turned to look at Howard in confusion and disbelief.

"Oh… yeah. He can… talk to animals." Howard said hesitantly, as though expecting them to accuse him of preposterous lies. Dennis shrugged and turned back with Saboo to watch the spectacle.

Vince had now pried Tony Harrison out of Bollo's grasp and had the pink Shaman tucked under his arm, ignoring the protestations from the alien as though he weren't there. He laughed once more at Bollo's indecipherable hooting and then suddenly looked very serious.

"Dennis think Bollo no be able to understand what happen to Naboo. But Bollo hear them talk." Bollo said in a language only Vince could decipher.

"I know Bollo, but don't worry, me and Howard are on the case!" Vince replied, trying to sound optimistic.

"That what Bollo worried about."

"Hey! We're the dynamic duo! It'll be pips, you'll see, Naboo will be back before you know it."

"Vincey must promise Bollo he will be careful. Fire Demon's are bad news. Give Bollo all _kinds _of bad feelings. Stupid Naboo. He should have waited for Bollo!" Bollo suddenly looked on the verge of tears, though it was difficult to tell beneath all the fur. Vince gave Bollo a quick hug, much to the protestations of Tony, who consequently got a mouthful of monkey hair. "Bring him back Vincey. Look after Harold too."

"Oh, right. No pressure then." Vince joked, leaning back to look at him, but Bollo seemed entirely serious. Feeling like Bollo needed some reassurance, Vince nodded solemnly and gave him a departing pat.

The others looked on in complete disbelief as Vince strolled back over, tossing a now-shrieking Tony into Saboo's arms.

"Sorry. Had a bit of a catch up, we were reminiscing about the zoo days." Vince explained to Dennis's open mouthed expression. "Shall we?"

Dennis looked at Saboo, who had a distinctly unimpressed expression on his face while he listened to Tony's ranting about how to properly treat someone from a different culture. This expression was somewhat undermined however by the way he tightly clasped the alien to his chest, almost protectively.

Sighing, Dennis walked over to a large willow tree nearby and placed his hand on the trunk. The others followed, and Vince saw as Howard held a curtain of branches back for him that his expression looked almost… proud.

"Right." Dennis said wearily (this seemed to be his permanent state of being, Vince observed), "Fastest way to teleport is by Willow. You, Moon, come here."

Howard gulped and walked over to where Dennis now stood, now holding a strand of the willow tree in his hand. Taking no notice of Howard's suddenly quickened breathing pattern, Dennis grabbed hold of Howard's wrist and began to wind the branch around it several times, muttering to himself that he had plenty of other Shamanic duties to be getting on with and why had he volunteered for this again?

Vince caught Howard's terrified gaze and smiled at him. Howard seemed to relax a little after that. This reassurance was suddenly interrupted however, by the unmistakeable sound of Tony's voice yelling in Dennis's general direction.

"Come on Dennis! We ain't got all day! I spent four flippin' hours on that carpet with Tom Selleck and 'is wife snogging in the back!"

"What?" Howard began, alarmed. "We weren't-"

Vince waved his hands at Howard, signalling for him to shut up before he ruined everything, just because he had some kind of phobia about PDA.

"Never mind." Howard mumbled, cutting himself off, his cheeks bright red. Vince rolled his eyes.

"Silence, Harrison! You and Saboo will be back in time for your _date_." Cries of indignation and disgust filled the air as Saboo and Tony voiced their outrage at such a notion.

_A little too defensive perhaps? _Vince thought to himself, smirking at the idea. Saboo dropped Tony to the ground and they turned away from each other, scowling.

"Moon!" Dennis boomed, holding Howard's bound wrist up for inspection.

"Y-yes, sir?"

"Summon your wife." Dennis ordered. Vince looked up suddenly and smiled at Howard's bemused expression. That was his cue.

"Comin'!" Vince said, skipping over to where they stood. He looked at both of them in wonder. _It's weird how alike they look in some ways. Same eyes an' all. _

Dennis held out his hand and Vince, being the effeminate romantic he was, placed his own hand daintily upon it, expecting Dennis to kiss it (or possibly lick it - Vince had learned from Kodiak Jack that there were different ways of going about it). Dennis looked confused for a moment, then grabbed his wrist impatiently. Vince watched with mild horror as Dennis wound a strand of the tree around him. Satisfied with his work, Dennis stepped back and looked at the two men, each now with a wrist suspended in mid-air by a branch of the Willow Tree.

"Well?" Dennis said, impatiently. Vince and Howard stared at him blankly. "Hold hands!" Dennis cried exasperatedly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Howard clutched Vince's free hand with his own immediately, seeming to want this ordeal to be over with as quickly as possible. Dennis walked behind them and strode around the back of the slim trunk. When he returned, he was clutching two large rucksacks that seemed far too bulky to have been obscured from sight. Suddenly, upon seeing the two bags, Howard remembered he had been wearing a backpack of his own. _And where's Vince's suitcase, _he thought, suddenly alarmed, trying to think back to when they last had them. _On the carpet? I don't remember._

"Silence those incessant thoughts, mortal." Howard jumped in surprise, causing Vince to jump too.

"You can…read my mind?" Howard asked, getting more alarmed by the minute. What if he read the truth about his and Vince's relationship- _No! Stop thinking that. I love Vince. I love Vince. I love Vince._

"Ugh! Even _I _can hear that!" came Saboo's voice from where he was sulking in the corner. "No we can't read your mind – who'd want to? But when you practically _yell _your thoughts at us-"

"Enough! There isn't time." Dennis interrupted, sending Saboo a glare. "I'll deal with you later." Then, gazing down at Tony, he added, "And you. Now," he boomed, turning back to the strung up pair, "take these. They are filled with everything you will need, including your so-called necessities, which I took the liberty of moving from your own impractical cases."

Dennis handed over the rucksacks, placing them in the hands that were suspended in mid-air so they didn't have to break contact. Vince looked sceptically at his ugly, moss-coloured sack. _All my clothes are in there? Along with all the weapons and stuff? As if! _His suspicions only deepened when he felt the weight of the rucksack – it was as light as a feather.

"We have used what magic we can to make the rucksacks small and light enough to carry." Dennis said before Vince could voice his doubts. "You'll be especially glad of it on the Fire Planet." Vince chewed his lip at that – _what's that supposed to mean?_

"Right! Ready, then?" Dennis asked, sounding as if he didn't really care at all. They both nodded anyway. Dennis held up his hands, palms facing the two boys and closed his eyes. Vince and Howard locked eyes, their stare unwavering, each needing the other's support.

"Calamanooo!" Dennis called, causing the Willow to shiver. He opened one eye and let out a groan. "Saboo! Tony! Stop flirting and get over here!" Saboo and Tony looked up from their bickering and scowled, but made their way over.

The three Shamen raised their hands (and tentacles) to the two figures before them and closed their eyes once more.

"Weeping Willow, Weeping Willow,

Hear our age-old choir,

Send our two courageous souls,

Into the land of FIRE!"

Dennis finished and looked up, pleased with himself, as the Willow's branches tightened around the wrists of the two men and hoisted them into the air. In a matter of seconds, Vince and Howard, still clinging to each other desperately where whipped into the air and catapulted high into the heavens. A dazzling light consumed them, forcing them to squeeze their eyes shut as they felt the air rushing past them.

* * *

When Vince woke up he felt like he was in an oven. Heat weighed down on him from all sides, and the ground he lay upon was scorching - like a baking tray. He was a cookie, forgotten by the baker and left to blacken slowly, agonisingly, until he was inedible.

"Vince!" Ah, the baker! Had he returned for him? Of course he had. He was the exotic Vince Noir! He was probably going to be covered in bright icing and sprinkles and- "Vince! Wake up!"

A cascade of water splashed across Vince's face, washing away his cookie-dreams and sending him, spluttering wildly, into an upright sitting position. After a few rounds of coughing and complaining, Vince looked at Howard who was seated next to him, holding the now-empty bottle which had just been poured on to him.

"What'd you do that for?!" Vince cried, wringing some water out of his _ruined _hair.

"Vince, we're here! We have to get going! In case you haven't noticed, it's about 200 degrees!" Howard cried, throwing the water bottle into the distance.

"Farenheit? I only know Celsius. Or is it centigrade? I never know."

"Who cares?! Come on, we've got to find shade or we'll burn up." Howard said, moving to stand. It was at about this point that both men realised simultaneously that their hands were still clamped together. _Christy! I didn't even notice, _Vince thought in wonder.

They both looked down at their hands, then up at each other. With a lot of embarrassed coughing and blushing, they pulled their hands free, choosing to ignore the difficulty of this – they'd been holding hands for so long, and combined with the intense heat, it was like they'd fused together a bit.

An awkward silence now lingering in the air around them, they set off in no particular direction, looking for shade.

* * *

"There! Look!" Howard cried joyously, just as Vince had decided he couldn't walk another inch in these Cuban heels. Vince shielded his eyes with his hand and looked in the direction of Howard's excited jabbing. Sure enough, a gigantic rock sat in the midst of an otherwise barren landscape, it's large form casting an impressive shadow beneath it.

They set off towards it hurriedly, their heat-fatigued bodies spurred on by the promise of cool air and shade. Howard slumped against the rock, relishing the feel of the cool stone against his back, even through his shirt. Vince just keeled over and lay starfish-style in the shadow on the desert-like floor.

After a few minutes of blissfully cool quiet, Howard slipped the rucksack off his shoulder and wrenched it open. "What the… It's like a black hole in here!"

Vince reluctantly sat up and crawled over to Howard. He peered inside the bag and was hit with a startling wave of vertigo. "Woah! That is well creepy. I can't even see the bottom!" Vince cried, leaning back and squeezing his eyes shut.

Howard rolled his eyes and shoved his arm into the apparently bottomless pit, feeling around the objects that seemed to be floating about inside. His fingers brushed something papery and he grabbed it before it could drift away. Yanking it out, Howard studied it for a moment.

"Aha! A map! Maybe those Shaman's aren't so idiotic after all." Howard said, laying the map out on the dusty ground and poring over it intensely. Now it was Vince's turn to roll his eyes. Trust Howard to reach his arm into a bottomless bag of mysterious items and come out with a _map_. Well, he'd be damned if he wasn't going to give this Lucky Dip a go too. Shrugging off his own backpack, which he'd managed to fashion into a stylish – if rather large – belt buckle, he plunged his arm into the depths.

_Well that's definitely a water balloon, that's my Jean Claude Jaquettie fedora, that's one of my blue rhinestone Chelsea Boots, mirror… pocket mirror… close-up mirror…oooh! What's that? _

Vince's long spindly fingers clasped around the bulky object, pulling it up and out of the bag.

"Oh, _cool!_" Vince cried, diverting Howard's attention from the map momentarily.

"Vince! Put that down! That's dangerous!" Howard cried, standing up and walking over to him, hands raised protectively. Vince laughed, Howard couldn't be serious.

"What? No s'not!" Vince said, aiming the gun in his hands at Howard's approaching figure. "Howard it's-"

"Vince I'm _serious_, put it down! You're so immature sometimes! That's not a toy, you could really hurt yourself-"

Howard stopped talking abruptly as the stream of water emanating from the gun hit him square in the chest. _Ah, a water gun._ Vince was looking at him darkly. Howard realised what he'd just said.

"Ah. Sorry, Vince. I-"

"Forget it." Vince said bitterly. "I know you think I'm stupid but I'm not gonna point an actual gun at you Howard." Vince stood up, tucking the water gun into a belt loop on his jeans. "Which way?"

Howard stared at Vince. In that moment, his best friend seemed world's away from the innocent, bubbly man-child he'd befriended in the playground all those years ago. "Um, North." Howard replied, pointing in what he thought was probably the right direction.

Vince nodded, picked up the bag and set off, Howard jogging slightly to catch up.

* * *

"_It's Howard right?" _

_Howard nearly jumped out of his skin upon hearing the voice. Nobody talked to him. He looked up from his journal to see who was mad enough to come near him. A small, alarmingly skinny boy stood beaming down at him, his brilliant blue eyes peeping through strands of dirty blonde fringe._

"_Err…"_

_The boy laughed; obviously he was used to people's astonished reactions. It didn't seem to bother him though, and before he knew it, the boy had plonked himself down on the bench next to him and was peering over his shoulder at what he was writing._

"_I'm Vince! Vince Noir. Rock and roll star! What're you writing?"_

_Howard had a few moments of being too stunned to speak, or even move, but all at once his brain started up again. _

"_None of your business." Howard replied defensively, snapping his journal shut. Vince was undeterred. _

"_Ohhh, you're one of those reclusive types? I liked it! Poems an' that. Shows you're creative." Vince praised him, no hint of sarcasm in his open face. How had he seen that Howard was writing poetry? He'd only looked for a few seconds!_

_Howard, put momentarily off-guard by Vince's seemingly innocent demeanour, was unable to stop Vince when out of nowhere he suddenly seized his journal, darting over his lap like a cobra to grab it and then scooting to the other end of the bench to read._

"_Hey! Give it back! That's mine!" Howard cried, jumping forwards to wrestle it back off of him. Vince had only managed to see a couple of pages, but he was unresisting and allowed Howard to take back the small brown book._

"_Hmm. It's cool! I like the funny little rhymes you do." Howard stared at him incredulously, clasping his journal to his chest like a wounded animal. _

"_Crimps." Howard said under his breath. When Vince cocked his head to one side like a curious bird he said, "I call them crimps."_

_Vince grinned toothily. "Awesome! I reckon I could help out with them, I do stuff a bit like you!" _

_Howard doubted this somehow – he was a freak, nobody did stuff like him, that's why he was an outcast._

"_You know what would be genius though?" Vince continued, uninterrupted. "If you had pictures too! I could do 'em! I do little drawings and stuff. I'll bring some in and show you. We'll be like a team! A dynamic duo!" Vince rambled on, seemingly immensely pleased with his idea. _

"_Why are you talking to me?" Howard asked, not knowing what else to say, other than 'are you mentally unstable?'_

_Vince whipped his head round, his messy blonde hair flying about as he did so. "Whaddya mean?" _

"_Nobody talks to me." Howard replied, trying in vain not to sound like a pathetic loser._

"_Yeah, well everyone talks to me and they're not half as interesting as you, I'll bet. People here have no originality." It took him several tries to say that last word and it made Howard smile. _

"_You'll get bullied for talking to me. They call me names. They'll call you names, too." Howard said, his smile slipping away into the breeze._

"_So we'll call 'em names back!" Vince exclaimed, the sparkle never leaving his eyes. "Howard?"_

"_Yeah?" Howard asked incredulously, a chuckle threatening to burst forth at any moment._

"_D'you like Gary Numan?"_

* * *

"I'm sorry I yelled at you." Howard blurted, unable to bear the choking silence any longer. Vince looked up, surprised.

"S'ok, Howard. I know you're worried about Naboo." Vince sighed, still walking.

"No, I mean before that. Back home, when you… on the day when-"

"Oh." Said Vince, stopping suddenly. He turned to look at Howard, awkwardly. "Don't worry, Howard, you were right, I was slacking off. I deserved it." Vince ran his fingers through his sandy hair.

"Yes, but I realise that you just lost track of time, and I know Bonnie and Clyde is your favourite film, I was just annoyed cause…"

Vince narrowed his eyes at Howard's floundering figure. "Did you want to watch Bonnie and Clyde with me?" Howard stared at Vince, his eyes filled with unsaid things. Then he blinked them away.

"Why do you keep asking me that? Do you think I'm that _childish_? I can watch it whenever I like! We have it on DVD-"

"Do you think I'm not spending enough time with you?" Vince pressed, stepping forwards, refusing to be brushed off again.

"For Christy's sake, I don't _care_, Vince! I don't care if you watch our favourite film without me! I don't care if you forget about Pancake Night because you were at a party, I don't care that you stumble in at four in the morning with a bleach blonde tart strapped to your chest every day, I don't-"

Howard caught sight of Vince's open mouthed expression, drank in his raised eyebrows and wide eyes and realised that he'd just sounded an awful lot like he did care about those things. Howard stormed past Vince's frozen figure.

"Shut up." He said, even though Vince had remained completely silent. "Come on, it'll be dark soon, help me put the tent up."

* * *

"I swear I had no idea! How was I supposed to know?"

Howard was angry again. _Maybe adventuring actually isn't Howard's forte_, Vince thought for the first time. He was holding up a sleeping bag in front of Vince's nose. A _double _sleeping bag. Howard had made Vince check through his bag four times before conceding that yes, this was their sleeping arrangement for however long they were stuck here.

"How am I supposed to get to sleep with you… wriggling about the whole time?" Howard practically yelled, chucking the sleeping bag on to the floor of the tent.

Vince raised his eyebrows. "Well… it's not like we ain't ever slept in the same bed before, Howard." Vince couldn't resist saying, his eyes fixed on the floor.

"That's… completely different! This is a _sleeping bag_, we'll be like sardines for god's sake!" Vince glanced up and saw that Howard had gone red. Vince didn't mind the situation too much if he was honest. He often slept in Howard's bed if he had a bad dream or felt a bit lonely, or at least… he used to, maybe not so much anymore actually. He didn't get why Howard was making such a big fuss about it.

"Look, will you calm down? It's not that bad, and besides, Mr-Bald-and-scary-shaman might be looking at us in his crystal ball right now!"

Howard looked at Vince as if he were a rambling lunatic. "So?!"

"So, we ain't exactly lookin' very couply are we? We've got to stop bickering!" Vince cried, delving into his bag and somehow finding his Gary Numan pajamas on the first try.

"What do you want me to do, hold your hand while we get ready for bed?!" Howard asked, filled with sarcasm.

"Oh for god's sake." Vince said, picking up his pajamas and walking over to Howard. Howard could only watch, dumbfounded as Vince's sullen expression morphed into adoration and the younger man placed a dry but lingering kiss on his cheek. Before Howard could react, Vince had moved away.

Howard got changed in silence, his back turned to Vince. He slid into one side of the sleeping bag and glanced up, just catching sight of Vince's baggy pajama top sliding over his pale torso. Vince sighed and slid in next to him. It was suddenly freezing; clearly, like any desert, the Fire Planet dropped drastically in temperature when the sun was down. Howard didn't dare move though, he doubted Vince would want to share his warmth, especially now.

_When did it get like this? I used to tell him everything. Well… apart from that one, massive thing that he can't know about ever. But then, he used to be so different. He used to look at me like I was his hero, his mentor. I didn't mind the clubbing and parties at first, whatever made him happy and stopped him being bored and moody. But now I just… I miss him so much. It's like he's forgotten me. Or it's like he wants to. _

Howard couldn't help rolling onto his side to look up at Vince. He was already asleep the lucky bugger. His eyes roamed over Vince's softened, sleeping face. He looked more like the real Vince when he was dreaming – the Vince free of all troubles and anguish.

_More like the Vince I fell in love with, _Howard thought, drifting into unconsciousness.


	5. Starry, starry night

**A/N: I know, this is even later than last night (in case you haven't noticed I'm trying to update every day) but I've been so ill today. Consequently, this chapter is a bit shorter but it's still 3,000 words so you're all good I reckon. **

**Just a note, I'm going to St Ives in Cornwall tomorrow. I intend to take my laptop but I don't know how regular updates will be - I hope to keep up this level of consistency for my wonderful readers and reviewers who I love very much. xxx**

Things were only mildly awkward the next morning. Howard woke up before Vince, unsurprised but secretly a little pleased to find that the younger man had cuddled up to him a bit in the night. The pleased feeling wore off pretty quickly though when Howard realised how hot it was inside the sleeping bag. He regretfully shrugged Vince off of his arm and slid out, relieved to find that he hadn't actually melted. His pajamas were soaked with sweat though and the air of the tent felt so thick it was like breathing treacle.

Howard quickly removed his sodden pajamas and pulled on a pair of beige shorts with a blue Hawaiian shirt. _Howard Moon knows how to dress for extreme temperatures and still look dashing, sir, _Howard thought, buttoning his shirt. Although, he had to admit he wasn't sure who exactly he was trying to impress.

It was at about this point that Vince started groaning. Howard turned just in time to see Vince open his eyes.

"Jesus… Why is it so bloody hot?" Vince moaned, attempting to sit up and finding his hair was stuck to the pillow.

Howard tried not to laugh at Vince's whingeing. "We're on the Fire Planet, Vince. Did you expect it to be a chilly experience? Hurry up, we should get going." Vince scowled at him but peeled himself carefully out of the sleeping bag.

"Come here then." Vince said, standing now, ducking slightly to compensate for the sloped angle of the tent roof, and rubbing his kohl-speckled eyes sleepily. Howard looked confused and hesitated for a long moment, but Vince didn't seem inclined to explain further.

He shuffled towards Vince, unable to help noticing that his Gary Numan pajamas were clinging to him in… places. _The material must be very thin. That's… sensible._

When he stopped about two feet away, Vince let out a tiny groan and took a step forwards as if it were the most arduous task in the world. Suddenly, Howard found himself encased in a floppy and rather sleepy hug. Vince had thrown his arms around his neck and was now basically just using him as a means of keeping upright. He was unusually warm, hot even, and a bit sticky with sweat where his neck touched Howard's. Unsure of what to do, Howard wound his arms around Vince's thin waist and held him closely, trying to ignore the wonderful, sweet, fruity smell that must have been Vince's shampoo.

After a few long, _long _seconds, they broke apart. _He's only doing it so we don't lose our heads, _Howard told himself. Vince went to find his clothes without looking Howard in the eye, humming a tune that sounded like a re-imagining of 'Cars'.

* * *

"Did I… get a bit… clingy? Last night, I mean." Vince was staring determinedly at his jelly sandals as if they were the most interesting thing on the planet. They were, in his defence, sparkly and silver while the rest of the planet was mostly varying shades of orange.

"Erm… well, yes a bit. I mean, no more than usual." Howard replied, thrown off-guard by the sudden question. They had been walking in what Howard had deduced from the wind direction and position of the sun to be North for about twenty minutes now. In silence. It had been weird. But was this conversation preferable? Neither one of them was sure.

"Sorry. It must be well annoying." Vince said at length, his eyes never leaving his shoes. Howard glanced over at his friend, trying to make sense of the fact that he thought he saw a blush creeping on to his perfectly sculpted cheekbones.

"I don't mind actually." Howard said, causing Vince's head to snap up at last. "You smell nice. Sort of… fruity." Howard admitted, flashing a smile at Vince.

Vince looked a bit startled for a moment and then grinned back, tousling his precision-messy hair with one hand. "Jean Claude Jaquettie Shampoo. Only the best." He said, still grinning.

Howard gave him a light, playful shove and they continued walking in silence. _Why did he think I'd mind if he was 'clingy' all of a sudden? He's never apologised before when he wriggles into my bed, despite nearly always stealing the covers and kicking me in the shins. _

"You smell like cinnamon." Vince suddenly blurted, his shoes were apparently riveting again. Howard frowned and stared at him.

"Cinammon?"

" . Not exactly, but pretty close." Vince explained, kicking up clouds of dust as he walked now. "I used to spend ages trying to work out what it was you smelled like. Sort of… spicy but _nice _spicy, with a bit of a piney smell too." he caught sight of Howard's slightly amused expression."I mean… that's not _all _I did, I had a life too, I didn't just sit around smelling all the pots in the spice cupboard and comparing them to…" He trailed off, suddenly looking as if he could swallow the words back up.

"Pineapple, elderberry, watermelon and red bull." Howard said.

"What?" Vince asked, confused.

"That's what I've narrowed it down to. It changes sometimes, when you try a new conditioner or something but that's usually pretty accurate." Howard explained, smiling into the distance.

Vince looked contemplative as he walked a few steps in unison with Howard. Then he stopped.

"_Red bull?_" Vince asked, sounding incredulous.

Howard laughed and tugged Vince's arm, trying to get him to start moving again. "It's not my fault you practically live off Jägerbombs and Flirtini's is it? It's bound to rub off on you."

Vince looked disgusted and started up a dramatic sniffing of his clothes and hair. After a few minutes of this had passed, Vince mumbled, "I reckon s'all in your head anyway, _I _can't smell nothin'."

When Howard looked down however, he saw a cheeky smile beneath waves of wispy black hair.

* * *

"Hoooward, I'm _hot_." Vince whined for the umpteenth time in the past hour. To be fair, they had been walking all day now and had yet to see any palaces loom up on the horizon. Howard was irritable though; Vince wasn't the only one feeling the unrelenting humidity of the mid-afternoon sun.

"Vince, I know you have a high opinion of yourself but there's really nobody here to impress apart from me so-"

"Oh my god, you are so annoying." Vince said, plonking himself down on a small rock a few feet away. Howard gritted his teeth and swallowed his retort. Fighting would get them nowhere. In fact, it may even get them beheaded.

"Look, it can't be much further now, we're heading in the right direction. If you walk a bit further we can stop for a bit, okay?" Howard said, willing his voice to sound soothing as he patted Vince on the shoulder.

"Ugh. _Fine._" Vince said, getting up and walking a few steps.

In a matter of seconds, Vince let out a yelp of surprise and disappeared into the ground. Howard blinked, trying to make sense of what had just occurred. Then his brain kicked in.

"Vince!" He ran forward and saw the hole too late, his extra-grip sandals slipping uselessly against the sand. He tumbled into the large hole in the ground and landed directly on top of Vince.

"Uhhhh!" Vince yelled in surprise and pain as Howard crashed onto his sprawled out form. "God, you're heavy." Howard lifted his head from Vince's chest and looked up. They seemed to have fallen into some kind of trap – the hole had clearly been dug out and disguised in order to fool anyone that might be passing by. "Howard?"

"What is it, little man? Are you hurt?" Howard asked, turning his attention back to his friend. His eyes roamed over Vince's face carefully. Vince was such a fragile little thing – although he did seem to be _smirking_…

"Nah, I'm fine. Are you gonna get off me any time?" It was at that moment that Howard realised the full extent of their proximity to each other. He was lying completely on top of Vince, their faces inches apart – and Howard had, for some reason, pinned Vince's arms to the floor. Howard jumped up with impressive speed, turning away so that Vince wouldn't see him blushing. Well, that and because he couldn't stand seeing his knowing smile.

To distract himself, he went over and inspected the far side of the hole, looking for foot-holes in the clumsily dug out walls. He was interrupted by a thick, winding, grey thing snaking around his waist and hoisting him into the air. He let out a yell of surprise and managed to turn around enough to see that the same thing was happening to Vince.

"Oi, put us down you bumbaclart!" Vince exclaimed, sounding annoyed rather than frightened. A trumpet-like sound filled the air, and Howard identified the note as E minor. "Yeah, well still! No need to manhandle us!" Vince was saying, and Howard wondered if he was dreaming. Suddenly he and Vince were plonked onto the hard, dry ground and were released.

"You'd better have a good explanation for this!" Vince cried, standing up and addressing someone. Howard looked up and saw with disbelief, a huge, tattered and rather dirty looking elephant standing in front of him.

"W-w…" was all Howard could manage in the face of the gigantic creature.

Vince cast a glance downwards at him. "Don't worry, Howard. I'll sort this." And for once, Howard had to admit Vince had the upper hand. The elephant roared again and Vince fanned the air in front of him, wincing. "Cor, mate. You could do with a tic-tac or somethin'."

Howard stared up at Vince, dumbfounded. "What's he saying?" Howard managed to squeak.

"Hm? Oh, he says we gotta wait here for his master or somethin', I'm not totally sure, his accent's crazy!" Vince said with a slight laugh, and the elephant roared indignantly. "Alright, alright!" Vince said, holding his hands up in apology.

At that moment, Howard heard an unmistakeable sound. It took him back to the zoo days, when he'd spend hours poring over books about different snakes, to try and impress Mrs Gideon with his knowledge. He'd only ever read about the noise in the pages of dusty textbooks but he would recognise it anywhere.

_Rattle, rattle._

A rattlesnake. Howard whipped his head to the side, trying to spot the deadly animal before it struck. He scrambled up to stand behind Vince, who was starting to look a bit worried for the first time now. Suddenly, they spotted it, darting behind the elephant's mighty foot at the speed of a bullet. Slowly, very slowly, it slithered out, it's tail shaking violently as beady eyes drank in the two men.

"Alright?" Vince said breathily, holding his arm out to block Howard in case he suddenly decided to dart forwards.

The snake lifted its salmon pink head and stared Vince straight in the eye. Howard watched, transfixed as a tiny red tongue darted out with a loud hiss. Vince seemed to relax at the noise. _Why is he relaxing?_ _Oh, god we're going to die. _

Vince was nodding now as the snake hissed further, occasionally interrupted by an ear-splitting roar from the beast behind. Vince and the snake seemed to be nodding alternately, and Howard had a split second of wondering if they were doing a strange dance.

"Oh! I know him! Yeah we were mates back when I was a keeper." Vince was laughing now and the snake was bobbing up and down excitedly. _Oh for god's sake, _Howard thought exasperatedly, _does he have to get _everyone _to like him?!_

"Vince!" Howard hissed at the laughing man, "What's happening?"

Vince wiped a tear from his eye and leaned over to whisper to Howard. "They were gonna take us prisoner and use us as bait for the fire demons, but it's okay, I've smoothed it over now." Howard struggled to concentrate on what Vince was saying instead of his breath against his ear.

"What?" Howard demanded. "How?!"

Vince sighed and muttered an apology towards the snake, who gave a polite bow. "This is Mahawee," Vince whispered, gesturing to the rattlesnake before them, "he and a bunch of other animals are in a like, rebellion thing against the Fire Demons. Or that's what I gathered. Oh, and he's mates with Gideon's cobra from back at the zoo! Imagine that! So, he thought he'd let us go, on account of that an' all." Howard couldn't help feeling the overwhelming pride wash over him as it always did when he saw Vince use his spectacular gift.

"So... the traps are for the Fire Demons?" Howard asked quietly, keeping his eyes fixed warily on the snake.

"Yeah, apparently they fall in, then Solomon here," Vince inclined his head towards the elephant, "fills the hole with water. Well genius! Apparently, Solomon's got a whole big feud going on with the Fire Demons – I think Mahawee said they burnt his home down, or cursed his bone-marrow – like I said, the dialect is difficult-"

"That's fascinating Vince, really," Howard interrupted, noticing the elephant – _or should I say Solomon _– was pawing the ground impatiently, "but tell me later, yeah? Right now, could you tell them we're in a bit of a hurry?"

"Oh, right." Vince winked at Howard and turned back to the two animals. Howard felt a bit funny. Vince had never winked at him before. "Sorry to cut this short guys, but we gotta get goin'. Our friend's been kidnapped, so we're on our way to the Fire Palace to rescue him." Vince said the last part proudly, a huge smile on his face. It didn't last long though, as both animals reared back in horror at the sound of the place.

Vince listened intently as the creatures started making a racket. Howard covered his ears.

"Yeah, I know!" Vince was saying, trying to calm them. "But we can't just leave 'im… Yeah… oh wow! That'd be genius, cheers!" Vince listened again for a long moment and then rolled his eyes and groaned loudly. "You're _joking_. Well, thanks anyway. Guess I'll see you around!" Vince and the two animals hugged affectionately, like old friends, before departing. Howard tried to step forward to give a friendly handshake (though in hindsight this probably wasn't the best way to charm a rattlesnake) but the animals reared back and protested vehemently.

Sighing, Howard walked over to a chuckling Vince. "They don't like you." Vince said.

"I gathered. So what was all that about?"

"Oh, you'll never believe it Howard. We're only goin' the wrong way!" Vince exclaimed, and Howard studies his face for signs that he was joking.

"You're joking."

"No! He said it's that way, he gave me a landmark an' everythin!" Vince said, pointing West, still smiling faintly for some reason. Howard sank to his knees and sunk his fingers into the soft sand. _Maybe if I bury myself alive I can get out of this situation. _Vince crouched down next to him and snaked an arm round his shoulders. _Too late. _

"C'mon Howard. It ain't that bad. At least we know for sure how to get there now! Why don't we sleep here tonight, and then in the mornin' we'll be all refreshed!"

Howard had to admit, Vince made a strong argument. Resisting the urge to weep, Howard got up from his position on the floor and nodded heavily. "Yeah, alright."

He slid the bag off his back and plunged his arm inside.

"What're you doin?" Vince asked, far too cheerily.

"Looking for the tent." Howard replied, confused.

"I've got a better idea!"

_Oh god._

* * *

It had it's up sides and its down sides, Vince's idea. The down side was that it was fucking freezing. Apparently Vince's hair 'wasn't up to another morning of humidity at more than ten times the atmosphere of a typical day in Dalston'. His solution: lose the tent. There were several upsides to the arrangement though, even if Howard was shivering uncontrollably and mildly concerned about being eaten by a coyote.

For starters, they were able to look up at the stars. And there were so many stars visible from the Fire Planet. They weren't just regular stars either, there were blue stars, pink stars, stars that blazed right across the ebony sky at regular intervals, and they shone so _brightly. _It was like someone had turned up a dimmer switch to its fullest capacity. Vince was loving it.

"It's a bit romantic this, innit?" Vince said without moving from his position on his back, his arms cushioning his head.

Howard spluttered. "What? Um, I suppose? Are you trying to ham it up for the crystal ball Vince? Cos I don't think those things have microphones."

Vince giggled. "You're such a spoilsport. Why can't it just be romantic?" Vince wasn't entirely sure if he was being serious. Neither was Howard.

"I… I guess it is." Howard said eventually, clearly uncomfortable. Vince sighed and lifted his finger up to trace patterns in the sky. _Like a dot-to-dot puzzle_, he thought.

"I'm fucking freezing." He suddenly said, making Howard laugh. Howard stretched out his arm and Vince wasted no time wriggling into Howard's side. Howard wrapped his arm around Vince tightly, giving a light chuckle when Vince made a contented little noise.

Vince slapped him lightly on the chest. "Shut up. It was an unconscious reaction." This just made Howard chuckle harder. Vince rested his fingers on the place he'd just smacked and began tracing idle patterns. Howard wondered if they mirrored the ones he'd found in the stars.

"Warm now?" Howard asked, grinning.

"Hmmm, not quite. Might need to stay here a while longer." Vince yawned as he said this. "Howard?"

"Yes, little man?"

"When we get home, can we have pancakes?"

Howard laughed again. "Sure thing. A whole week of pancakes, if you like. Make up for all the ones you missed on Pancake Nights."

"A whole week?!" Vince asked, still managing to sound enthusiastic halfway to sleep. "Wow. Genius."


	6. Scream, Aim and Fire

**A/N: Sorry, sorry sorry I didn't post yesterday, I was travelling all day and just... yeah. Seeing as I'm on hols, it might be more every other day from now on, but I don't think that's too bad. Hope you've all been well and thankyou as always for your glorious commitment, you've no idea how it's appreciated.**

**By the way, if all goes to plan, this story should be 9 chapters long :) xxx**

"Howard! I think I see it!" Vince grabbed at Howard's arm, making him sway alarmingly on his feet. They had been walking all day in the direction Vince had vaguely pointed in the previous day, Vince insisting that he had understood the rattlesnake's instructions.

The younger man refused to tell Howard what this 'landmark' was that told them they were heading the right way, and if Howard complained, Vince would simply say "Who was holding the map when we got lost, again?" and that would shut him up.

They had awoken earlier than the day before, still too hot and mildly embarrassed about their tangled limbs (Howard had actually somehow managed to thread his arm through Vince's pajama sleeve). Before setting off, Vince had suddenly insisted that they could go no further without applying a liberal amount of Factor 3000 sun cream and not to worry, because he'd been sure to bring enough for Howard this time too.

Without warning, Vince had stripped himself of his pajama top and begun liberally coating himself with the thick, creamy substance, his hands roaming everywhere. Howard found he couldn't really move.

"Right. Your turn." Vince had said, now resembling a skinny, smeared snowman. Howard just stared, the sunlight reflecting off of Vince's pale chest and momentarily blinding him.

"My turn?" Howard had managed, trying not to let his eyes linger on the expanse of smooth white skin looming in front of him. _God he's beautiful._

"Yeah. For the suncream." Vince explained, starting to look impatient. Howard realised too late what was about to occur, and could only freeze in shock as Vince sighed and started to unbutton his shirt with slippery fingers. It took a moment or two and then he pushed the younger man backwards, with a bit too much force so he stumbled. "What're you doin'?!" Vince cried.

"I can do it myself!" Howard snapped, snatching the bottle out of Vince's bewildered fingers. He turned away, blushing furiously and undid the rest of the buttons. It didn't take long to cover himself in the gloopy cream and he had to admit, Vince had been right about the stuff – he felt like he was standing in front of a large fan.

Chest covered, he suddenly encountered a problem. He turned slowly back around and saw Vince standing across from him, arms folded and eyebrows raised.

"Somethin' wrong Howard?" Vince asked innocently, his smirk betraying him.

"I need…" Vince put his hand to his ear as though trying to hear him better. "Could you…"

"Spit it out, we've gotta get going!"

"Vince, can you do my back?" Howard blurted, trying to preserve some dignity. Vince grinned and shook his head in disbelief.

"Come 'ere you nonce." He walked over to Howard and plucked the bottle out of his limp hands. Vince hadn't put his shirt back on yet, Howard couldn't fail to observe, and every time their skin brushed he felt himself jump slightly, as though he were being shocked.

Vince's hands were delicate and nimble, they danced across his skin as though they were barely there, sweeping the blissfully cool cream across every part. He was very thorough, clearly wanting to make sure Howard got the best protection possible from the sun, though even Howard thought it might be a bit far to go over the same spots five times. Howard bit his lip and thought mostly of bookmarks. Trumpets and bookmarks.

After the suncream fiasco, they had finally started walking. And walking. And walking some more. Until finally, around 1:30pm, Vince had suddenly announced that they had reached the landmark.

"Where? Where?" Howard asked, filled with a sudden, glorious hope. Maybe they could reach the Fire Palace today! They could rescue Naboo, teleport back to Earth and be home that very evening with a cup of tea.

"Right here!" Vince ran a little way forwards and pointed triumphantly at the ground by his feet. Howard ran over to join him, the thick, desert air for once not at the forefront of his mind. The ground was completely barren, save for one oddly coloured rock jutting out from beneath the waves of sand. Howard felt like crying. "Mahawee said I had to look out for a rock the same shade as the sky." Vince crouched down to peer at the jagged blue stone. "This has gotta be it!"

It was incredible, Vince sounded almost _peppy. _Gone was the fatigued, complaining, hideously grumpy man from a few moments before – the little man was so easily pleased! A rock, apparently, was all it took to turn his frown upside down. "Right. Yeah, well obviously that's a secure indication that we're going the right way, mmhm." Howard wasn't looking at Vince. He feared he would hit him if he did. "Just… one thing." He continued. " Have you maybe, perhaps noticed that the sky on this godforsaken planet is _pink?!_"

Vince actually jumped at Howard's raised voice. Amazingly, they hadn't argued at all – well not _really _– since that first day. "Yeah, I think he was talkin' about _our _sky he ain't stupid! He wouldn't deliberately confuse me like that-"

"He's a fucking talking snake! I was confused from the start!"

"Err, actually, he only talked to me, and I don't really find that confusing since I've been doin' it my whole _life!_" Vince argued.

"Oh for Christy's sake, this entire thing is ridiculous! Why did I trust that a talking snake could get us in the right direction-"

"You didn't! You trusted _me_! And for once it actually felt nice, cos you never, ever trust that I can do _anythin'_ and I can! I can do it if you let me, Howard. I can join your stupid Coconut Lodge and I can write the Charlie books and I can _get us to the fuckin' Fire Palace_, so would you just shut up and let me?!"

Howard closed his mouth. Vince was breathing heavily, as if he'd climbed a tall mountain in the few seconds that had just passed. _How long has he been keeping that under his hat? _Howard thought. Without a word he nodded at Vince in silent consent. Vince smiled as if he'd just received a present. So easily pleased.

"It's just over there." Vince said with an impressive amount of nonchalance, pointing at the Fire Palace looming on the horizon.

* * *

While Howard resisted the urge to give himself several Chinese Burns, Vince came up with a plan of attack. They had crept closer to the palace, every step immersing them further in the blazing heat that surrounded it like a bubble. The mid-afternoon sun they had just walked through felt like a cool mountain stream in comparison. Now, hidden behind a patch of cacti, they could both see the palace in entirety. It towered into the fuschia sky, causing them to crane their necks right back in order to see the twisting spires that rose out of the top like tall chimneys. It was a brilliant, blinding scarlet in colour, and the sun bounced off mercilessly so it shone, luminescent, in the middle of the nothingness surrounding it.

It looked, somewhat unsurprisingly, like a gigantic, angry flame. It was not the structure however, that had caused Vince to drag Howard, who was actually _whimpering _at the fact he'd been so close to it without knowing, behind a cactus. The palace was encircled by a moat filled with bubbling, sparking lava and the only entrance appeared to be across an equally shiny and equally red drawbridge, upon which were two Fire Demons. Neither Vince nor Howard had seen a Fire Demon before, and their first sighting of the inhabitants of this planet did not fill them with a sense of comfort.

"They look so _angry_!" Vince whispered in an exaggerated tone to Howard. "Are they made of Fire? And hate? Imagine that, no wonder they get pissed off so easily!" Howard stared at Vince, about to deliver a concise lecture about the fact that they were on a tight schedule and there's no time for idle speculation, but then he noticed a flicker of something in Vince's eyes. Fear.

Howard put his arm around Vince's shoulders. Vince gave him a look of surprise, but quickly shrugged it off. _It's all for the cameras, _he thought. _Well, crystal ball._

"Howard I've got a plan. You're really gonna have to trust me though…"

* * *

_Of course, _Howard thought, _of course his plan involves me acting as bait_.

He was crouched low behind the pillar of the drawbridge, his backpack gone – safe with Vince, who was somewhere hidden from sight, watching. They'd gone over the plan at least ten times, but it didn't make Howard, who had nearly fainted from shock (again) when Vince had revealed it, feel any better.

He risked a peek round the corner at the Demons at the other end of the bridge. They stood either side of the large entrance, a sort of pole in each of their hands. Their melted wax faces were twisted into screams of anger. It was unsettling to say the least. Howard shuddered and ducked back around the pillar. _Well, here goes, _he thought, _Vince, if you dare say I don't trust you after this…_

With a deep breath he stepped forwards, revealing himself, in all his paisley-shorts glory, to the Fire Demons. They both went completely still at the sight of him, leaving Howard with the perfect opportunity to begin the walk across the bridge. When he got to about halfway, the Demons seemed to react, bursting into even more brilliant flames of blue and white, their scarlet eyes boring into his skull. A few more steps forward. The Demons let out a piercing shriek, warning him off. He risked a few steps more. The first Demon leapt forward, closely followed by the second, searing the bridge and causing it to blacken slightly.

_Right,_ Howard thought, _time to run. _In a second he turned on his heel and fled, his mind filled with nothing but the flickering heat of the Fire Demons on his tail and the image of Vince, who would be there to rescue him any moment, surely, any moment now…

"Howard duck!" Vince leapt out from seemingly nowhere, clutching a long tube and landing in front of Howard on the drawbridge. Howard didn't think for a moment. He threw himself to the floor, knowing that Vince knew what to do and would save him.

Vince didn't have time to think or even see what he was aiming at with any certainty, he just squeezed the trigger on the end of the hose and held on for dear life as the jet of water burst out of the tip like an alien, soaking everything in its path. Two distinct howls of pain filled the air over the continuous gushing, but Vince didn't dare stop until he was sure the noises had died away.

Finally, arms aching, Vince pushed the trigger again. The water stopped abruptly, mid flow and Vince was immediately confronted with the destruction he'd caused. The bodies of the demons lay broken on the scarlet, chrome floor – their corpses now completely devoid of fire. What was left resembled two large candles, white and shiny, slowly beginning to melt as the heat of the sun bore down upon them.

He didn't look for long, though. "Howard!" Vince rushed over to where the older man was huddled over, a look of terror mixed with awe present on his face. "Are you alright?" He said, crouching down to his level, concerned.

"Yeah, yeah I'm alright. Just a bit shaky." Howard replied earnestly, trying to smile. Vince returned it without hesitation, grabbing one of his hands and squeezing it between his own. "Aaaah!" Vince dropped it like it was burning.

"What? What's wrong?!" Vince asked desperately, placing his hands on Howard's shoulders.

Howard grimaced. "N-nothing. I just… burnt my hands a little. It's fine." Vince's eyes widened. He grabbed hold of Howard's wrist (carefully this time) and slowly turned over his hand to inspect the damage. Howard's entire palm was bright, shiny pink, like a boiled sweet, and it looked like he had torn some of the skin off. Vince gasped.

"Oh my god. Okay, don't worry Howard, I've got burn stuff, Dennis gave us some, it's okay, you'll be okay in a minute, I swear." Vince was rambling, he knew, but he couldn't help it, not while Howard was in pain. "How did this happen? Did they get you?" Vince asked, trying to distract himself as he rummaged through one of the bags he slid off of his back.

"No, um actually it was the floor." Howard said uncomfortably, and Vince suddenly realised that neither of them were actually touching the floor of the drawbridge with their skin. He reached out a tentative finger and dabbed it against the shiny floor, wrenching it back in horror when he realised it was scorching hot. "I think it's made of metal – the whole building. It absorbs the heat and radiates it…"

Vince's hands grabbed hold of a thin plastic tube. "Got it!" He exclaimed, and yanked it out.

"Vince… maybe we should save that. In case one of us gets seriously hurt." Vince ran his gaze over Howard, who was wincing.

"I'm not just going to stand idly by when you're in pain and there's somethin' I can do about it." Vince said firmly. Howard didn't argue. Gingerly, Vince squeezed some of the paste out onto his fingers and spread it over Howard's hand. Howard couldn't stop a cry of pain from escaping but bit his lip anyway to try and stifle it. He took his time, making sure every part of Howard's hand was liberally coated before reaching to screw the lid back on. He turned back to look at Howard's slightly relieved face and felt his veins flood with emotion. He took Howard's creamy hand, turned it over and pressed a kiss against the skin.

"A-and this one." Howard said weakly, holding up his other hand. Vince smiled.

* * *

Getting over the drawbridge was no problem, their shoes protected them from the scorching floor, and the guards were now just a pool of wax under their feet. With a single glance at each other, for security more than anything else, they ducked into the entrance. Howard noticed that evening was beginning to settle. They were were confronted with a room so enormous that the furthest walls looked miniscule. It was sparsely decorated, mostly in varying shades of red and yellow, and everything appeared to be either metal or porcelain.

"Ohhh, I get it. Non-flammable." Vince said in a low voice, and Howard smiled at him.

"Makes you wonder if they've thought out a proper Fire Safety Plan. I don't see a single extinguisher nearby." Howard joked, and Vince laughed. The sound was like music to Howard's ears, and he felt an almost irresistible urge to throw his arms around his best friend.

"Might be helpful." Vince said wistfully, and suddenly they were back on a dangerous mission in a palace teeming with demons.

They crept to the right, which in itself seemed to take forever. They reached the foot of a gargantuan winding staircase, and if they peered across the room they could see it matched one on the other side. Without needing to discuss it, they began the ascent, their footfalls suddenly sounding like thunderclaps against the metal.

"Howard…" Vince began as they climbed.

"Yes, little man?" Howard replied, panting slightly. God, did this heat never cease?

"I… Just… Promise me you'll be careful. If things… go a bit wrong."

Howard looked at Vince, confused. "Of course I-"

"Oh look! There's the landing!" Vince exclaimed before Howard could reply, running up the last few stairs. By the time Howard joined him, he looked crestfallen. "Howard… look."

Obediently, Howard turned his head in the direction Vince was pointing. His mouth fell open. The landing looked very similar to the entrance hall, the colour scheme apparently applied to the entire palace. But everywhere Howard looked, there were corridors, rooms, doors, infinite staircases each leading to a thousand floors, sweeping archways leading to entire _wings _of unexplored palace.

"This is gonna take us forever to look through! How are we gonna find Naboo?!" Vince cried, and he sounded almost tearful.

But as he looked, Howard began to notice something. At first he assumed it was the heat, causing his mind and eyes to play tricks on him. The walls around them seemed to be… moving. And as it happened the rooms he could see in the distance started to grow smaller and more difficult to see. The deep maroon doors started to shrink and disappear, entire sections of palace seemed to be swallowed inch by inch, until they were no more, as though the palace was eating itself.

Vince had not been ignorant of this as Howard had watched, it seemed. "Howard… what's happening?" He sounded genuinely concerned.

"I was wondering about this outside…" Howard breathed, clearly in awe of the happenings around him. "It's getting to be night time… I think the metal is contracting." Vince stared at him blankly. Howard sighed. "When metal gets hot, it expands, making it appear bigger than it actually is… I guess the Palace isn't actually as big as it seemed." Vince turned to look at the mutating structure around them. In about five minutes, the walls seemed to settle more or less, leaving the remaining 'Palace' about the size of a large stately house.

"Genius! That makes it easier." Vince said, grinning away like this had been done especially for him. Howard rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to announce that they should work systematically across the palace from left to right, when a screeching hiss from somewhere below them rang through the sweltering air. Vince clutched at Howard's arm and they ran forwards to peer over the edge of the balcony looking down onto the entrance hall. Sure enough, two impressively angry Fire Demons ran underneath them, the tips of their flames reaching up to the edge of the second floor.

"Fucking hell!" Vince cried out, stupidly, rearing back at the sight of them.

They looked up immediately, their piercing eyes catching sight of both men before they could move. The demons burst into further flame, and Vince jumped backwards, already out of the way. He looked up and saw with horror, Howard in prime position as the flames attacked him. He lunged forward and dragged the older man to the floor, the taunting cackle of the Fire Demons filling his ears. Howard lay wounded in his arms, and his hair was actually smoking. Vince patted at it desperately which elicited a long groan of pain from Howard, so he bit his lip, lay his best friend carefully on the floor nearby and grabbed both rucksacks, preparing to fight the demons.

Quickly, he rammed his hands into the first bag and pulled out as many water balloons as he could get his hands on, laying them around him in piles. Below, the demons were starting to let out agitated squeaks and Vince could hear them moving restlessly, as if searching for a way to get to higher ground.

_Not the smartest of demons then_, Vince thought, thinking of the matching sets of stairs.

Using the wall of the balcony as a shield, Vince began systematically pelting the balloons down upon the demons. He would peer over for no longer than three seconds at a time to see where he was aiming and then the balloons would start to rain. He could only hear their cries of anguish as they were struck with the water, but he didn't relent, finding every last balloon to throw, and after exhausting his own bag of supplies, starting on Howard's. When he took in the sight of Howard lying on the floor, his brave grimace clearly holding in the hideous pain he was feeling, Vince found he could aim the balloons far more accurately.

With a hiss and a final few splashes, they were defeated. Vince looked down upon their slackened was faces and smiled. Then he rushed to Howard's side.


	7. Naboo

**Hey y'all. I know, I'm sorry. I'm writing when I can. Anyway, thankyou so much for your undying support if you're still with me, I love you all. So, poor Howard eh? ****I've had the Runaways song 'I Love Playing With Fire' running through my head since I started this btw so I'm thinking that's the official song for this fic guys :L anyway, hope you enjoy and as always reviews get you my love.**

"Howard, Howard, ohmygod, d-don't move, p-please. Stop, it's okay." Vince was crouched down over his friend, trying not to see the damp, angry burns across his arms and chest. His shirt was in tatters so Vince ripped it off quickly, his hands like moths fluttering over the bright, shiny wounds.

Howard was whimpering softly and Vince wondered how he had managed to get water from the balloons on his face until he realised he was crying. His tears ran in unrelenting streaks and fell onto Howard's blistered skin, making him cry more. "Oh god, I'm s-so sorry, I'm not crying… Oh god, Howard." Vince wanted to hold him, clutch at him, but he couldn't find a way, everywhere he looked he saw more burnt flesh. His face, thankfully, was one of the only places unharmed, as he'd shielded himself from the flames with his arms. Vince placed his hands carefully on Howard's cheeks and leaned over him, letting his tears fall onto Howard's forehead. "What do I do?" He asked, timid as a mouse, as he stared into Howard's eyes.

Howard looked up at him. With shaking lips he whispered, "Find Naboo."

"No! No, not without you Howard please, I can't!" Vince said pleadingly, his grip tightening on Howard's face. Howard just winced again in pain and Vince let out a sob. "Alright, alright, but you… you can't stay here Howard, they'll find you, you have to move. I'm so sorry."

Vince looked around him wildly, wiping away tears that blurred his vision. He spotted a dark crimson door nearby that seemed to open on to a small room or cupboard. That would have to do. With as much care as he could manage, he slipped his arm under Howard's back and pulled him forwards, trying and failing to ignore the howls of pain emitted. "Shhh, it's okay, please just do this for me, please."

Howard whimpered and tried to stand. Vince was there immediately, slipping Howard's arm around his shoulders and practically running with him towards the door. Howard couldn't help crying out as the burns rubbed against the fabric of Vince's t-shirt but at least the exertion was kept minimal as they stumbled through the doorway. Howard crumpled to the floor and lay on his back, and Vince found he was not the only one crying anymore.

"Howard, Howard, Howard…" Vince chanted as he ran nimble fingers over unburnt skin. "There's… there's no cream left Howard." Vince choked out. "This is all my fault, I'm so sorry-"

"Shut up." Howard croaked, his eyes closed. Vince looked mildly stunned, but the tears continued flowing readily. "Not your fault. Rather me than you. So proud... killed both those demons..." Vince couldn't bear it any longer. The love inside of him was overflowing.

_What if he… I can't live without him… no. No. He can't leave. No, please._

Vince crawled over to his shadowy face in the dimly lit space, and gazed down at his best friend in the whole world.

"Howard, I'm going to go and find Naboo. I can do it, I can find him it'll be easy, you'll see. And then I'll come back for you and we'll go home and Naboo will heal you up, I promise." Vince's tears splashed onto Howard's cheeks. "I'll be your nurse maid, I don't care how long it takes, I'll play you your favourite Jazz records and read you borin' dusty books with no pictures. I'll even wear a little outfit if you want – a dress an' everythin' I bet I can pull it off." Vince thought he saw Howard trying to lift his mouth into a smile at that. "I understand if you'd rather not see that though…" Vince laughed. "You've gotta hold on for me though, Howard. You have to, I can't… If you… I don't work without you. Please, _please_, don't go anywhere. I'm coming back for you, I'll be right back."

_Oh god, stop crying, you'd think I'd have run out of tears by now._

Vince straightened up, and felt his heart tear open at the sight of Howard below him. Every fibre in his body was telling him to stay, to curl up next to his best friend and hold him until they were both found and obliterated into ash, but together, like it should be.

Tossing every doubt and insecurity he'd ever had out of his mind, Vince leaned forwards again and pressed his tear-stained lips against Howard's. For a few glorious moments, all that existed was the impossible warmth of their lips against the fire thrumming through their veins, and a sweet, salty taste that ran between their joined mouths. Vince pulled away with what felt like inhuman strength, and forced down a sob so hard it caused him pain.

"Just in case." He whispered into the near darkness, hoping Howard heard, hoping he didn't.

Casting one last look at the shadowy silhouette of Howard's pained but now faintly smiling face, he turned, got to his feet and left the room.

* * *

Vince ran down the hallway where he'd only recently performed what to him could only be described as a James-Bond-ninja-attack on a couple of Fire Demons. He sprinted along, his Chelsea boots barely grazing the blood red floor, and tried desperately to shake the image of Howard's agonised expression from his whirling mind.

_Naboo. Focus, Vince. Find Naboo. The quicker I find him, the quicker this is all over._

Of course, it would be much easier if he had any idea where he was going. He skidded to a halt, and tossed his head to and fro, looking for some kind of sign that said 'This way to the dungeon where we keep the prisoners!'. Sadly, no such luck seemed to be with Vince today, and almost all of the doors and corridors looked equally red and equally menacing.

"Shit. Shit, shit shit." Vince mumbled eloquently, brushing strands of sweat-dampened hair from where they were clinging to his neck.

Then, as if in reply, he heard a voice. Instinctively, Vince threw himself hard against the wall behind him, trying to flatten himself into it to ensure no Fire Demons could see as they sparked along. But none came, and as Vince allowed himself to relax slightly, the voice sounded almost… familiar.

_Naboo! Genius! _

Identifying the childlike lisp immediately, Vince leapt forwards and strained to hear the words.

"…Vince…This way…"

Vince jumped up in the air and clamped his hands over his mouth before he could scream out an enthusiastic response that would certainly get him discovered.

_Wait, which way again? _Vince suddenly thought, having lost track of his common sense in the kerfuffle. He felt the panic rise within him, his gaze darting back and forth, trying to remember where the sound emanated from.

"…this way…idiot…"

Vince grinned. Definitely Naboo. He hitched the two backpacks further onto his shoulders and darted off to the left down a narrow corridor. He ran for several minutes, panting as the corridor twisted and turned back on itself, eventually ending in a flight of stairs descending into a pitch black room below. Vince gulped and peered into the gloom.

_That must be it. What if there're guards though?_

Cautiously, Vince placed a sliver toed boot on the first step. A loud clack echoed into the room below and a cloud of thick, dark grey dust rose up out of the opening.

"Naboo?" Vince whispered, sliding off a backpack in preparation for if anyone attacked. No sound came. Again, Vince tried to peer into the dark, but to no avail. Taking a deep breath, he walked down two more steps, crouching forwards to plunge himself into the gloom. "Naboo, are you in here?" He whispered again.

Once immersed in the darkness, his eyes gradually began to adjust. A choking smell of smoke overwhelmed him and he had to fight the urge not to cough and splutter. Slowly, he started to see shapes appear, large and intimidating, making his heart beat quickly underneath his thin t-shirt. He remained motionless for a minute, trying to suss out if the objects now visible were likely to harm him in any way. A minute passed. He reckoned he was safe. Stepping all the way down into the small room, Vince began to peer around him, searching for anything that might tell him where Naboo was.

"Naboo, you bumbaklat, I ain't playin' around are you in here or not?" Vince whispered testily, thinking of Howard, alone in a small cupboard, frightened and in pain. The smoky tendrils seemed to be everywhere, crawling down his throat and stinging his eyes.

"…Vince?" His head shot round to the left and a flicker of light appeared, illuminating a face in the dark. Vince ran over, his legs getting severely bruised by everything he knocked into on his way. Up close, Vince could see clearer.

"Naboo! You idiot, c'mere!" Vince cried, lunging forward to wrap his arms around the small Shaman, but instead, he found something was blocking him. "Ow!" Vince cried, rearing back as he slowly began to make out the thick metal bars that made up Naboo's cage.

"…Yeah, you might wanna…unlock that…" Naboo said croakily, his voice sounding raspy and hesitant.

"Alright, alright. I can't see a thing though! What are you holdin'?" Vince asked, now seeing that the flicker of light came from Naboo's fingers.

"…Lighter…Always carry one…for emergencies…"

"Emergencies. Yeah, what like you and Bollo havin' a bit of a party for two?" Vince said, holding up a mime joint to his lips and shaking his head.

"…Shut up…"

Vince took the lighter from Naboo's unresisting fingers and shone the light over the side of the cage, searching for a catch or hinge. It took mere moments to find the lock on the door, and even less time for Vince – the cockney bitch – to remove one of the many hair grips from his impressive coiffure and jam it into the keyhole, jiggling it precisely until the door creaked open.

"…How'd you…know that'd…work?" Naboo rasped as he stumbled out of the door and fell onto Vince, who struggled to catch him and hold him upright.

"Fire Demons don't have hair. I bet they never even thought of it." Vince explained, shrugging, and biting his lip in anxiety, he lugged the weakened Naboo past all the debris littered on the floor and up each slippery, metal stair until they were back in the long, winding corridor once more. Vince breathed in the clean air gratefully.

Back in the light of the palace, Vince caught a glimpse of Naboo's state for the first time. He was a mess; his turban was nothing more than a few shreds of tattered bandage lying limply in his dark, singed hair, his robe was in tatters, hanging off him in several places and scorched to bits. He was covered in soot, blackening his face and hands and he could just about limp along on his shoeless, blistered feet.

"Oh my god, Naboo!" Vince cried, wrapping his arms protectively around his friend. "What have they done to you?!" Vince sat him down against the wall on the floor, noticing consciously for the first time that the floor was not scorching hot at night time, obviously.

"…s'alright…they put me…in the coal cellar…" Naboo mumbled, clearly in pain as the words scratched his tender throat. "Can't do magic… in there…some kind of…protective spell…"

_Oh, so those objects were stacks of coal… makes sense I guess._

"You idiot, Naboo, what've you done to make them so angry?" Vince said affectionately, picking out the stray pieces of turban from Naboo's hair and using several more hairclips to try and fashion his rats nest into something halfway decent. Naboo just glared at him. "Listen, we can sort this out later, but now…" Vince took a deep breath, purposefully not looking Naboo in the eye so that he wouldn't catch the shine of tears. "We've gotta go get Howard. He's… he's in a bad state, Naboo. I didn't wanna leave 'im, but…" Vince trailed off, his fingers slowing to a stop in Naboo's hair.

"He's…an idiot. Knew he'd…muck it up…" Naboo sighed, but he put a shaking hand over Vince's. "Don't worry… I'll…fix him up…" He promised, and Vince nodded. They both ignored the two tears that dripped off of Vince's face.

* * *

Things were too easy. Why was nobody stopping them? Where were all the Fire Demons that this place was supposedly crawling with? No matter how hard he tried, these were the only thoughts that Vince could summon up as he half ran, half stumbled down long hallways with Naboo in tow, stopping every few seconds to let the Shaman rest and to check for any signs of activity up ahead.

"Naboo?" Vince whispered anxiously, seconds away from wringing his hands together.

"What?" Naboo asked, panting.

"When we get back to Howard, you can just teleport us back home, yeah? You can do your magic now you're out of the coal place?" Vince asked, still whispering. A few seconds of panting, and then Naboo replied.

"Yeah."

It was good enough for him, if they could just continue this stream of good luck until they got back to Howard's little room, they'd be out of this place in seconds. Just a bit further, and they could go home.

Vince grabbed Naboo's wrist and hoisted it over his shoulders, letting the small man's weight fall onto him. Together, they jogged down the last stretch of corridor and Vince peered around the corner that led onto the landing where Vince had taken on the Fire Demons from above. It was completely empty. The floor looked exactly the same, even the burst water balloon from earlier on lay drained and lifeless by the balcony wall, where Vince had last seen it. Howard's room was just across from here. If he craned his neck, Vince could see the door.

"Okay, Naboolio, just a bit further now. We're almost there, hang on." With that, Vince darted forwards, pressing himself to the back wall just as he had done when he'd come, still straining his ears to listen for any tell-tale sounds of Demon activity.

It took an age to get from one end of the landing to the other, creeping along in this way, but Vince forced himself to be careful, knowing that if they were found before they could escape, it would be much, much worse for Howard. He kept his back flat against the shiny wall, holding an arm out to keep Naboo in the same position and finally, finally, they reached the door.

Unable to be patient any longer while Howard was lying there, probably yearning for the sight of the door opening, Vince cast a glance at a wary looking Naboo, then around the general area, checking for danger, and opened the door.

"Howard, I found-"

Vince whirled around in the tiny space, jumping when he saw Naboo close behind him, his lips pressed into a tight line.

Howard was gone.


	8. The King of Fire

**A/N: Hello all, I was just reading through all your lovely comments and just... you guys. I love you all. So I decided to update today :D Yay! I also felt bad because I left you on a cliffhanger which was quite mean really. So here you go lovelies, so glad you're all enjoying it - makes it all worthwhile. xxx**

Vince ran out of the tiny space in a flurry, his head darting to and fro, the panic starting to well up in his chest. He let out a squawk, and ran back to Naboo, taking him by the shoulders and shaking him roughly.

"Where is he?! He was right here!" Tears were stinging his eyes. "He can't just be gone! Naboo, what's happened to him? I never should have left him-"

"Calm down!" Naboo cried, grabbing Vince's hands and stilling him. "We'll find him, just… come on."

Deciding he needed to take control, Naboo grabbed one of the two water guns looped through Vince's belt holes, dropping Vince's hands in the process, and marched out of the room swiftly, leaving Vince with no choice but to follow.

He didn't understand, Naboo's words usually calmed him, but now there seemed to be a hint of panic in them. This couldn't be happening, not to Howard, not now, not when they were so close to getting home.

Instead of voicing his rising hysteria however, Vince simply trailed after the limping Shaman in front of him, and willed himself not to imagine the various possibilities of Howard's demise. Naboo was careful, seeming to sense that Vince wasn't exactly capable of checking for danger while his mind was preoccupied with Howard's disappearance. He walked slowly, glad for the coolness of the floor at night time.

He would never admit it, especially not to Vince, who was starting to look as though the mention of Howard's name would tip him over the edge into wailing sobs, but Naboo was concerned.

_If Bollo were here, I'm almost certain he'd have a bad feelin', _Naboo thought worriedly, keeping as much emotion off his face as possible.

If Howard was injured to the extent that Vince had described, he would have been in no fit state to move himself out of that room, and that led to only one other conclusion – somebody else had moved him. And seeing as the only other inhabitants of this godforsaken place were murderous, angry fire demons, the general outlook wasn't looking good.

Despite all this, Naboo continued forward, determined. He really, really didn't want to be the one to give Vince any bad news. He wasn't sure he could take it – although he put on a hell of a front, Vince was a fragile little thing. Howard was the rock, the sturdy, predictable character, always there like a large oak tree for Vince to lean and swing on – without him, Naboo didn't know if Vince would cope. He didn't want a suicidal, heartbroken electro poof on his hands.

Naboo paused in his tracks, realising neither he nor Vince had said anything in a while. They'd reached the top of one of the spiralling staircases that would lead them down into the entrance hall.

Naboo turned to look at Vince, who was chewing his lip so viciously it was actually bleeding, staining his teeth with a crimson red enough to match the floor. He opened his mouth to soothe his obviously near-hysterical friend, but found he had no wise words to deliver this time. Until they found Howard, or found out what had happened to him, he was stuck in a kind of limbo, unable to reassure the younger man.

Wordlessly therefore, they began the slow, careful descent down the staircase, Naboo ever fearful that a fire demon awaited them patiently at the bottom. When they emerged into the large, but no longer enormous entrance hall however, no such bad luck occurred. Like the rest of the palace they had walked through, it seemed remarkably empty.

"W-what now, Naboo?" Vince whispered, his voice sounding worryingly devoid of life.

Naboo honestly didn't know. What now? Look around the hideously dangerous Fire Palace until they found Howard, but almost certainly reached their untimely deaths? He was too tired for this. Too tired, too hungry, too weak to think of a way to solve everything. He was always the one to save the day – sweeping in on his flying carpet or his submarine, casting spells in the nick of time. But now, he just felt defeated. He longed for Bollo's strong and faithful presence, his guidance and his strength.

Naboo shook his head and felt tears – _stupid, mortal, human tears _– prickle his eyes as he saw the beginnings of a look of realisation dawn on Vince's face. This was Vince realising he had no plan, no way to save Howard.

But then.

"PPPPUUUUUUUNNNNYYYYYYY HUUUUUUMMMMAANNSSSSSSSS!" The sudden, deafening voice nearly caused Vince and Naboo to jump halfway across the room, and they whirled around to witness the incredible sight of the largest Fire Demon either of them had seen rise up from the gleaming floor, its face more distorted and hideous than Vince could have thought possible. It actually made him feel queasy.

The entirety of the demon took up nearly the whole room, stretching up past the second floor and into the twisting turrets above. Vince had to shield his eyes from the brightness of the technicolour flames.

_No water guns or balloons are gonna take that thing down, _Vince thought in despair, his shoulders sagging further.

"YYYOOOUUU DAAAARRREE TTTTTTTTOOO BBBRRRRRRREEAAAAKKK IINNNTTOOO MYYYY PALAAAAAACCCCCCCEE ANNND SSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEE EEEAALLL FFFRRRRRROOMMMM MEEEEEE?!"

It took a few seconds for Vince and Naboo to work out what was being said to them, it seemed everyone spoke with a lengthy hiss on this planet, but once Vince was certain he had the right idea, he stepped towards the demon, despite the protestations of Naboo, finding he no longer cared if he was burnt to a crisp if Howard was too.

_If that's what it takes to see 'im again_, Vince couldn't help thinking, realising he meant every word. First though, he had a few things to sort.

"He ain't _yours _mate, so just calm the fuck down, yeah?" Vince shouted, struggling to be heard over the crackling of flames. "Naboo might've been a bit of a nonce," Vince tossed a quick look at Naboo, who was staring at him incredulously, "but you can't just go around _kidnappin'_ people cause you got a bit hard done by!"

In different circumstances, if he wasn't desperately trying to stifle the sickening heartbreak tearing his body in two whenever he thought of Howard, Vince would have been quite proud of his argument. He'd always felt he had a strong moral code. As it was, he just watched in horror as the Fire Demons' mutated, gaping mouth, slowly twisted into a wonky, thoroughly evil smile.

"ISSSSSS TTHHHATTT SSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOO?" It hissed, its piercing red eyes seeming to burrow deep into Vince's soul. With a flickery flourish, the Fire Demon moved to the left and a sudden ring of fire burst out of the ground next to him; huge, towering flames encircling a very frightened, very injured looking man.

"Howard!" Vince cried out, stumbling forward, only to be stopped in his tracks by the fire surrounding him.

"SSSSSIIIILLEEENNCCCCCCCCCE!" It roared, blocking Vince's path. "YOOOUUUU DAAAAARRRE SSSSSSTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEAALL MMYYYY PPPRRRRRIIISSSSSOONNERRRRR, THEEEEEENNNNNN IIII, KIIIINNNNNGGG OFFFFF TTHHEE FFFFFIRRREEE DEEEEMOOONSSSSSS SSSSSSSHAAAAAALLL SSSSTTTOPPP HHHHIIIIISSSSSSS HHHEAAARRRTTTTTTTTT!"

"NO! No, you can't!" Vince cried, tears spilling over onto his heat-pinkened cheeks. "Howard, don't listen to 'im, I'll get you out of 'ere. Naboo, do somethin'!" Vince ran over to the Shaman, who had been watching and listening closely, carefully gathering all the evidence before acting.

Naboo looked up at the enormous King Fire Demon, the brilliant flames reflected in his sparkling eyes. The King was moving towards Howard, who was lying weakly on the floor, unable to fight for himself. He had mere moments before the Fire Demon incinerated him. Then Naboo looked down at Vince, who had sunk to his knees on the floor, clutching Naboo's robes desperately, tears rolling in tsunami's down his cheeks, leaving streaks of flaky black in their wake. Naboo knew what he had to do.

Placing his hand firmly over one of Vince's for a moment, Naboo limped forward, shrugging Vince off with a harshness that was unusual for him. Drawing himself up to his full height (which wasn't much, admittedly), Naboo stared the King Fire Demon straight in the eye.

"Oi! Leave 'im alone!" Naboo yelled, grateful that his voice wasn't wavering (yet). The Fire Demon paused, his yellow tendrils hovering above Howard's unmoving frame."I did it, yeah. I sold you a potion that was supposed to make you waterproof, but I know it didn't work. It was actually just a plant fertiliser I got from the Garden Centre. So yeah, I broke your poncey little _forced _treaty, and if I have to pay for it, at least I'll know that I never helped you lot in your weird little club of hate and _bullyin_'!" Naboo turned to look at Vince, who was looking very confused, and very nervous. His eyes were fixed on the tendrils of flame inches from Howard's face.

"If you wanna kill someone over this petty little argument…" Naboo smiled at Vince, who glanced at him and frowned in confusion. Naboo turned back to face the Fire Demon. "Kill me."

"What?! No! Naboo, no! Don't!" Vince yelled from his position on the floor. Naboo ignored him.

"HHHOOWWWWW TTTTTTOUUUCCCCCCHHHHHHIIIIIN GGGG." Sneered the King, leaping forwards to tower over Naboo, the twisted smile still on his waxen lips. Naboo tried not to flinch at the heat. "VVEERRRYYYY WWEEEEEEELLLL NNNNAAAAABBBBBBBOOOOO, PPPRRREEEEPPPPAAAAAAARRREEEE E TTTTOOOOOO DDDDIIEEEEEEEEE." Naboo's mouth set in a grim line and he straightened up, preparing himself for the imminent pain.

"And when you're done with me," Naboo continued, thinking of the treacherous nature of the fire demons, "promise you'll let them go."

A wave of pure red washed through the flames of the King for a second and then the technicolour flames returned. "VVEERRRRYYYY WEEELLLLL. I PPPPPRRRRRRROMMMISSSSSEEE." The Fire Demon said at length, though the smile was gone now.

Several tendrils encircled Naboo as he stood there, accompanied by Vince's harsh sobs and pleas. Naboo could feel the heat getting closer to him, it was stinging now, and he thought he smelled burning flesh. He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes against the blur of blinding orange that filled his vision.

_Here we go._

At that moment, he heard a sudden crash and a thunderous clatter, as though a stampede were headed his way.

_Is hell a zoo? Bob Fossil's zooniverse? Figures_, thought Naboo, eyes still squeezed shut.

Sure enough, a chorus of deafening trumpet-like roars echoed around him, and the clattering got louder, shaking the ground as though… it were headed towards him.

_Oh good, in hell you get stampeded upon_, Naboo thought, still choosing the inside of his eyelids over whatever lay beyond.

Then he heard a different sound, something he had thought he would never hear again; the childlike cackle of Vince's laughter reverberating through the eyes flew open just as he felt the burning heat start to ebb away.

His mouth fell open at what he saw before him. A herd of tattered and incredibly _angry _looking elephants were beginning to swarm around him, having clearly burst in through the now-shattered doorway. Even more unbelievably, each elephant appeared to be ridden by a pale, coral-coloured snake. The King, upon seeing this, had been distracted from his task of burning Naboo alive and had actually moved back a few paces, caught off-guard by the sudden attack.

All at once, as Naboo stood, able only to watch, the multitude of elephants came to a halt in a circle around the King, and then, with only a hiss from one particularly large looking rattlesnake, they reared back on their hind legs, and began to spray. Water shot from their trunks in a triumphant fountain, reaching to the tips of the King's tendrils and raining down upon his impressive frame.

Shrieks and howls of hissing pain filled the room as the flames were doused with the waterfall of water. Naboo was transfixed, a bewildered half-smile on his lips as he watched the spectacle.

He was violently awoken from his reverie by Vince grabbing at his arm roughly, a look of pleading fear in his eyes. Suddenly, Naboo was reminded of the situation at hand, and the incredible pain both of his flatmates were currently going through. Naboo nodded, and ran with Vince, as best he could, over to where Howard was still trapped by the flames.

The elephants were preoccupied with taking down the mighty King, it was no use asking them for assistance, besides, Naboo couldn't muster up any enthusiasm at the thought of asking one of those furious looking beasts for a favour.

_Quick Naboo, think. Vince looks about ready to leap through the flames, burns or no burns. Gotta do something, Howard may not have much time left._

Naboo looked around wildly, the empty, unfurnished room staring tauntingly back at him. He looked at Vince, who's hands were fluttering wildly in front of the flames, fanning them furiously as if trying to blow them out. Suddenly, he saw it – Vince's water gun! Hooked on to his belt like a cool Camden accessory. Naboo looked down at his own waist and saw with relief he had tucked his into his waistband in a similar position.

Yanking it out, he elbowed Vince, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at the tears still gliding down Vince's cheeks, and gestured at the gun in his hands. Vince caught on immediately, pulling his own gun free and Naboo caught the sudden glimmer of hope in his eyes.

Carefully, they positioned themselves side by side, and aimed the pistols at the ring of fire before them. With the death screams of the King still going strong, and the elephants' streams still unrelenting, Vince and Naboo let rip, firing the water guns straight into the flames.

"It's workin'!" Vince cried out a few minutes in, genuine joy in his voice, and Naboo smiled, pressing harder on the trigger.

It didn't take long to extinguish a hole big enough for skinny little Vince to dart through, throwing himself over Howard's now unconscious and severely burned body. Naboo followed behind as soon as he could, needing to make the hole a little bigger to ensure his baggy clothes didn't catch alight.

Once inside, Naboo hissed as he assessed the damage. It wasn't pretty. Howard looked a mess. If he'd had to make a diagnosis, Naboo would have thought he could go either way at this point. Vince looked up at Naboo from where he was crying, huddled over Howard's chest.

"Please, Naboo," Vince started saying, his voice muffled through his tears, "we've gotta get 'im home!"

Naboo nodded once, in agreement, and held out his hand for Vince to take. Vince placed his limp fingers into it blindly, staring down at Howard's sleeping face, not moving from his side. Naboo knelt down on the other side of Howard, noticing that his eyes were beginning to flicker.

_Probably not a good thing to be honest, better if he's unconscious for the pain. _

Vince was overjoyed though, letting out a little cry of delight through his sobs, and smothering Howard's unmarred flesh with papery kisses. Naboo searched for a spot on Howard that wasn't burned to place his hand, settling for his neck. Once all bound together, Naboo closed his eyes and gathered all the strength he could muster, summoning his last dregs of energy to fuel the magic in his veins.

With the sounds of the trumpeting elephants' victory cry ringing vaguely in their ears, the three of them faded away.


	9. Bonnie and Clyde

**A/N: Hello! Sorry about the lateness of this and all that. My faithful readers - alas! We have come to the end of our tale. This will be the final chapter. Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing it really means a lot. I hope you've enjoyed the story because I've enjoyed writing it. Much love to you all xxx**

They landed with a thud on the moss-covered floor, a whirlwind of leaves flying into the air around them, as if announcing their arrival. There was a cacophony of sound almost immediately; Howard's agonised groans and whimpers almost drowned out by Vince's relentless sobbing. Vince was still clinging to Howard, draped over him as though trying to shield him from the air itself, but being cautious not to press against any raw wounds.

"Fuckin 'ell!"

Naboo sat up blearily and looked in the direction of the sudden voice. Teleportation always took it out of him. To his utter relief, he saw that they had landed directly in front of the Shaman Headquarters in the woods.

_Seems my internal compass isn't too bad after all_, thought Naboo thankfully, (purposefully not thinking about all the times he'd accidentally gone too far to the left during transportation and ended up in a factory Dublin).

Tony Harrison had been the first of the Shamen to verbalise his astonishment, but as soon as the three figures had crash-landed in front of them, several had jumped up from their seats, their mouths wide open in horror and worry – only Kirk seemed nonplussed by the situation, his face was as cold and expressionless as ever.

Dennis seemed at a loss at what to do for several moments, and then cried, "Saboo! Tony! Come!" Before leading the two Shamen (Saboo carrying Tony _again_) over to where Vince and Howard lay. For once, Tony seemed to have nothing to say, but tensed in Saboo's arms upon seeing Howard's hideously burnt flesh. They stood awkwardly before the two men, gazing down upon them and trying to assess the damage.

Howard was conscious now, and appeared to be gripping Vince's arm. Vince was muttering a soft stream of "no, no, no" under his breath, just holding Howard's face and looking into his eyes.

"Um, young, err, Vincent – I feel it would be best if you stepped aside so we can try to heal-"

"NO," Vince snarled, tearing his gaze from Howard's long enough to glare at Dennis, pure venom in his eyes, "this is all your fault! What if he _dies_?! I can't be without him!" Vince turned his eyes back to Howard, dripping tears onto his face and neck.

"It's…ok, little man." Howard croaked, wincing with every word. It only made Vince sob harder.

"No, Howard. It's not okay, it's never gonna be okay if you're not here. We're a team, yeah? You and me, forever. You promised me, Howard, you said we'll be together always. If you die, I'll die too, like Bonnie and Clyde."

Howard was crying now, gripping Vince's sleeve tighter. "You can't go, remember? We're gonna have pancakes, e-every day, like you said. Don't leave me, Howard. Please, I love you. I love you so much." His mind was devoid of all thought as he leaned over and pressed his lips firmly against his best friend's. His hands slid up into Howard's hair and he gripped tightly, willing Howard to push back, to feel the heart-wrenching, sickening, purity of the love he was overflowing with. _Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me._

He kissed all the way over Howard's face, mapping out every inch of unburnt skin there and whispering confessions of love until Howard's hand stilled him.

"I love you too, little man." Howard whispered, and for a moment split in half, yet frozen in time, Howard looked like the happiest man in the universe.

Then his eyes closed.

"What? No!" Vince yelled, seconds away from shaking Howard by the shoulders. He felt hands grip his arms and yank him backwards, away from Howard, onto the hard, leafy ground beyond, and then Howard was surrounded by Shamen of every shape and size, their enormous hats and cloaks like shields blocking the man from his view. He whirled around and saw Naboo behind him, the one who had torn him away. Vince felt nothing but hatred for him in that moment. He clawed at Naboo's hands restraining him and yelled for Howard, just feet away from him.

"Calm down, Vince- OW!" Naboo cried, as Vince began using his teeth to try and escape. "Vince! They're doing all they can, you've got to let them- OW!" It was clearly no use, Vince was a determined little thing. With red and bleeding hands, Naboo finally loosened his grip enough for Vince to slip away, and he dove into the midst of the Shamen, squeezing through until he saw Howard still laying still on the floor. He threw himself back over his friend, outright clawing and kicking at anyone who tried to stop him.

"Naboo, you eejit! You're supposed to restrain 'im!" Called Tony from the midst of the crowd somewhere.

"Oh yeah, Tony? You wanna have a go then, you legless twat?!" Naboo shot back, in no mood for nonsense, still rubbing his cut up hands.

Saboo turned towards Naboo and gave him a cheeky wink before diving back in to help.

A witch with straight black hair and a green face was leaning over Howard's form, her emerald hands swirling in the air above him as she muttered a soft incantation under her breath. Vince could feel a wave of tenderness emanating from her as she worked, but he didn't let it soothe him too much. How could he be sure what was truth and what was trickery with these Shamen? She could be using Witchcraft to calm him. Nevertheless, he couldn't help sensing her intentions were almost... motherly.

"W-what're you doing?" Snivelled Vince, wary of her strange movements. She didn't reply, never breaking the steady flow of words emanating from her lips.

"Kirk! Have you readied the potion?!" Dennis boomed from behind Vince, making him start.

"Almost!" Came a lisping reply from a place Vince couldn't see. Not that he was trying to see – his gaze was fixed on Howard's closed eyelids, occasionally glancing up to watch the green woman's fingers as they moved over Howard's body.

"Hurry, Kirk! Kendra cannot hold this charm forever." Dennis called, making Vince whimper at his words. _Is this weird green lady keeping Howard alive?_

A sound of pattering footsteps could be heard suddenly, running towards the crowd of Shamen surrounding Howard. Vince glanced up in time to see the small, vacant-looking blonde boy hand Dennis a vial of green, bubbling liquid.

"Ah! Thankyou, Kirk. I trust you did not… tamper with this in any way, after our discussion last week?" Kirk looked at the ground sulkily and shook his head. This seemed enough to satisfy Dennis, who strode forwards and knocked the green witch-woman out of the way with an impatient wave of his hand. She sprawled on the floor a few paces away, looking mildly irritated, but quickly got up and joined the rest of the crowd. Dennis knelt down on the other side of Howard to Vince, and held up the vial for inspection in the moonlight. "Possibly a touch too much rat blood… should be fine, however." Dennis mumbled, presumably to himself.

He started to slide a hand under Howard's head, but Vince immediately stopped him, grabbing hold of his wrist and fixing him with a deadly glare. If anyone who knew Vince better had seen it, they would have found it deeply unsettling. The normal, happy, carefree Vince seemed incapable of malice. Dennis placed the hand holding the vial on Vince's shoulder, creating a little arch over Howard's unconscious form.

"Vincent, I understand now. I had my doubts about the two of you, you are such different people." Vince's glare was still ice cold, but he didn't attempt to remove Dennis' hand from his shoulder. "Even seeing the way you acted upon the Fire Planet initially only led me to believe you were, in fact, lying to me. The constant bickering, the teasing, the jokes at each other's expense! ...But in the fleeting moments when you allowed yourselves to be fully exposed, you showed your true selves. Perhaps because I am a Shaman it is hard for me to understand your unique brand of affection for each other, but I see it so clearly now, that it is this blinding, brilliantly intense love between you that binds you to one another in spite of everything. You are two jigsaw pieces, a yin and yang. Your love is as clear to me as Saboo's concealed affection for Tony." Vince vaguely thought he heard twin splutters emanating from a couple of Shamen behind him at that. Dennis leaned in a little closer to Vince, who was once again struck by the strange similarity of his and Howard's eyes. "Now, you have to trust me, Vincent. I will try to bring him back to you."

Vince stared for a long moment, lost in the rich deep brown so reminiscent of eyes he thought he might never see again. Then he gave a small, almost imperceptible nod, loosening his grip on Dennis' arm.

Dennis wasted no time, sliding his arm under Howard's head and pulling him forwards slightly. He removed his hand from Vince's shoulder and brought the glass vial to Howard's parted lips. With a flashing glance at Vince, he tipped the contents into Howard's mouth and lay him carefully back on the mossy ground.

At first, nothing seemed to happen. Howard looked exactly the same, and Vince had to force down cries and wails that threatened to burst forth when he thought that it may not have worked.

Then, he started to see it. Something was happening, agonisingly slowly. The raw, shiny wounds covering Howard's arms and chest started to blur and ripple. The bright, angry reds and pinks began to fade to corals and pastels and the shine slowly began to dull, until all that was left were healing patches of pinkish scarring. Vince could have leapt with joy. He'd never thought Howard looked more beautiful than with the marks of his bravery imprinted onto him forever.

It took a long time for all the wounds to heal to this extent. Several minutes passed and, overjoyed as he was about the miraculous healing, Vince couldn't help noticing that Howard's eyes remained firmly closed. Several minutes more, and all the burns were now years-old scars.

Two more minutes.

Nothing. Vince wiped the tears from his eyes. Saboo looked down at Tony in his arms and shrugged. Naboo rubbed his hands anxiously, unable to see, but waiting for a sign. Dennis sat back, his expression grim as he studied Howard's face.

Then Howard's eyes began to flutter. Vince sucked in a breath and choked on it.

"H-Howard?" Vince asked tentatively, leaning over him.

His eyes opened and drank in the sight of Vince's tear-stained face. He smiled, weakly.

"Hey, little man." Vince kissed him, hard.

* * *

"So, can I get you anythin' else?" Vince asked, trying not to sound over-anxious. Howard laughed from where he was laid on the sofa.

"No. I'm fine, really." Howard replied, looking up at Vince standing over him. "Could get used to this kind of service, though." He added cheekily, smiling. Vince couldn't help smiling back.

"Yeah, right. Don't know how you do this cleanin' and clearin' up all day normally, I'm goin' out my mind!" Vince said, flopping down on the sofa, on top of Howard's blanket-covered feet.

"Ooft." Howard said as he sat.

"Sorry! Did I hurt you?" Cried Vince, jumping up immediately, his hands fluttering again. Howard laughed again.

"No, quit worrying, you're making me nervous." He grabbed Vince's hand, pretending he didn't see the blush that immediately filled his cheeks, and pulled him back onto the sofa. Vince sat awkwardly, trying not to sit on any part of Howard, despite him taking up the whole couch. Howard sighed in mock exasperation and pulled Vince sharply towards him.

Smiling, Vince took the hint and shuffled down until they were both lying together on the narrow sofa, Vince half draped over Howard to compensate for the lack of space. Vince drummed his fingers on Howard's chest in time with his heartbeat.

"Did you know that your heart beats to the tune of 'Eye of the Tiger'?" Vince asked, beginning to hum it as he tapped. Howard laughed, and Vince heard it rumble in his chest.

"I don't think so, sir. More like a bit of Weather Report, or perhaps a Coltrane hit. I suppose yours would be a Gary Numan classic?" Without warning, Howard wiggled his hand down between them and placed it against Vince's chest. It was like a sudden sunbeam radiating through Vince's pajama top.

_Ah, not quite 'Cars' then._

"It don't usually go that fast!" Vince cried, suddenly panicking and making his heart thump even faster. "It's just you and… cause we're… I dunno, maybe I had too much sugar in my tea or somethin'." Vince said quickly, unable to help risking a glance at Howard, who was grinning as if he knew. "Shut up." Vince said, slapping him playfully on the chest and burying his face in Howard's shoulder.

"I was wondering when we were going to talk about that." Howard said, a smile still evident in his voice. Vince peeked up at him shyly and then hid his face quickly again.

"Bout what?" Came a muffled reply, Vince feigning ignorance as usual.

"Well…" Howard began, suddenly serious again. He let out a little cough. "All the… kissing and what not." Howard said eventually, his heart starting to beat a little faster, Vince noticed. Vince suddenly seemed very warm and heavy, lying upon Howard. It was a nice feeling, he decided.

"Mmmm?" Was Vince's only response, his face still hidden from view.

"Did you…did you mean what you were… um…" Howard trailed off, his gaze fixed resolutely on the ceiling.

Vince decided now was the time to emerge from his hiding place. "Did I mean that I love you?" Vince asked, in a small, almost scared voice.

Howard nodded, still looking at the ceiling. Vince smiled, and cocked his head to one side, taking in Howard's trying-to-be-nonchalant expression. It was so like him to think it was all in the heat of the moment, all for show. But he seemed to be forgetting that he'd said he loved Vince too, and Vince was not going to let that comment go easily.

Vince army crawled up a bit, making Howard wheeze slightly when Vince dug his elbows into his chest, until their faces were level. Still smiling, Vince leaned downand kissed him softly, on the lips.

Vince Noir was an expert at kissing. He knew of every different position, stance and manoeuvre. He had had plenty of practice to perfect the art, and even if sometimes it wasn't the nicest experience in the world, it didn't matter – he was only practicing. Practicing until one day, he'd pluck up the courage to kiss the person he wanted to kiss most in the world. (With no pressure from sword-wielding Shamans.) A person who's phobia of touch and virginal attitude made it a difficult task indeed to achieve.

Vince knew that if one day, he was ever lucky enough to kiss Howard Moon _properly_, it would have to be perfect. Gentle, but with enough pressure to let him know how much he was wanted.

A few moments later, he slid his lips over to Howard's ear and whispered, "yes."

When he leaned back and saw Howard smiling up at him, he felt like he'd never be unhappy again. They grinned at each other for a while, each feeling the other's overwhelming elation, like a drug lifting them high into the air.

"Hey, what about you, you bumbaklat?!" Vince suddenly cried in mock-indignation, giving Howard another playful slap.

"Do I love you, you mean?" Howard asked and pretended to ponder the question for a long while. Instead of an answer however, he proceeded to tickle Vince's sides relentlessly, until the younger man was kicking him violently and screaming for mercy, at which point Howard wrapped his arms around his neck and dragged him down into another kiss. Longer and slower, this time, with significantly more tongue. "I think so." Howard mumbled into Vince's mouth.

* * *

"Some day they'll go down together, they'll bury them side by side," Vince looked across at Howard as he chanted along, a sad smile on his face, "to few, it'll be grief, to some a relief, but it's death for Bonnie and Clyde." Howard smiled and held out his arm to allow Vince to snuggle into his side. Vince did so, eagerly, resting his head on Howard's shoulder, and turned back to the film.

"So am I Bonnie or Clyde?" Howard murmured into the soft nest of Vince's hair. He still smelt of the huge reservoir of maple syrup he'd poured over his pancakes.

Vince giggled and reached out a hand to play with Howard's shirt button. "I reckon you're Clyde, definitely. He's the suave, sophisticated one. Plus he's all virginal." Vince said, stifling a giggle.

Howard promptly smacked him on the head. "No he isn't, look." Howard replied, pointing at the screen, where Bonnie and Clyde were clearly going at it on a picnic blanket.

"Yeah, well. She charmed 'im into it eventually. He couldn't resist her." Vince said, slipping Howard's button through its hole. Howard smiled and slid his fingers into Vince's hair, laughing at the happy little noise he made.

"Does that make you Bonnie, then?" Howard asked, quietly, running his fingers through the silky black locks.

"Well, obviously." Vince said scornfully, lifting his head to look at Howard. "S'not like you have the style to pull off her look anyway." He bit his lip. "So whaddya think Clyde?" He cringed a bit internally, his American accent wasn't brilliant at best. "Can you resist me?" He said, leaning forward and sliding his lips over Howard's, gently at first, drawing it out until Howard leaned up for more, making sure he could feel the blood thrumming in Howard's veins.

"Eugh! It was bad enough before, but _jesus._" Naboo's sudden cry of disgust caused them to break apart, Vince going back to rest his head on Howard's shoulder, giggling. Howard just stayed still and pretended not to be mortified. "And it's 3 o' clock. On a _Monday_." Naboo continued, walking round to stand in front of the TV, hand on hips, eyebrows raised.

"Naboo, get out the way! It's Bonnie and Clyde!" Vince squeaked indignantly.

"Vince, do you have a job?" Naboo asked. Vince rolled his eyes and groaned.

"Yes, you know I do, obviously. Naboo, in case you don't remember, two days ago Howard got back from a trip that very nearly killed him, so d'you mind shuttin' up and lettin' him recover?" Vince said, sitting forwards slightly as if shielding Howard from Naboo's anger. "I'm gonna stick by him until he's better, no matter what. Get Bollo to run the shop or somethin'." Vince said, laying back and folding his arms as if that settled the matter.

Naboo sighed and moved to the right a bit, revealing the film once more. "Fine, but if he's not 'recovered' by the end of the week you're both fired, cause he looks alright to me." Vince beamed at him as if he'd received the best gift in the world, and blew him a kiss.

Sighing, Naboo shook his head and walked away. Walking a bit further down the hall, he bumped into Bollo coming out of the bedroom. "Alright, Bollo." Naboo said, a rare smile on his lips. He'd missed Bollo while he'd been away, and at one dark point, thought he might never see his furry familiar again. Upon being reunited, Bollo had refused to let go of Naboo, and consequently, Bollo was Naboo's ride home from Shaman HQ.

"Bollo no forget about bet he and Naboo make. Vince and Harold get together before Christmas, Naboo owe Bollo twenty euro." Naboo's smile vanished and he sighed, remembering the bet they had made one smoky, pot-filled night long ago, after having the misfortune to stumble in upon Vince and Howard curled up together in bed, fast asleep (fully clothed, but it was still enough to make Naboo want to chunder). He dug into the deep, deep pocket of his robes and fished out a note. He pressed it into Bollo's palm, who grunted before loping off.

Before ambling away himself, Naboo turned to look back at Howard and Vince one more time. He could only see the back of their heads from here, Vince's resting on Howard's shoulder. He had to admit, they did look happy. As he watched, Howard placed a kiss on top of Vince's head.

"Aw." Naboo said to himself, smiling.

_Ugh, I'm going soft. What's wrong with me? I'll be shipping Saboo and Tony next, _he thought disgustedly, and swiftly walked away.

**Thanks for reading! xxx**


End file.
